WHY TELL HER TO SIT ON A MAN'S LAP?

Ok, am I being paranoid? Today, on my way home i had joined a colleague in his car and there were three other guys in the car as well. We stopped to pick up my colleague (car owner)’s niece and nephew (ages about 5-8). While my colleague was trying to arrange sitting, he mentioned that his niece sit on one of the guy’s lap. I immediately insisted that she should come sit on mine instead, whilst telling him not to encourage little girls to sit on the laps or any man. One of the guys in the car immediately said, ‘ all that is in the mind and head. It means nothing blah blah blah’ . He started sounding tome like this dude either does not believe in the existence of paedophiles or he thinks it is taking it too far training little girls how to guide against harassments from these evil creatures.
Of course that is one subject I am passionate about so I tried to explain to him but he kept saying ‘it is not everybody (hello! I never said it was.) and it isn’t really that bad’. Wow! I couldn’t hold on any longer. I flared up in pure anger and irritation. Like ‘is this dude dumb? Has he never heard a real life experience?’ i mean! I have heard. Yes I have. Even in my neighbourhood and I beat myself up every time I remember for not knowing what to do.
According to Wikipedia, medically, paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in persons 16years of age or older typically characterised by a primary or exclusive sexual interest towards prepubescent children (generally age 11 years or younger, though specific diagnostic criteria for the disorder extends the cut-off point for pre-pubescence to age 13). A person suffering from this is called a paedophile. Paedophiles are a lot more around us than we can ever imagine.
Now, I have always been conscious of what my kids watch on TV (although how conscious can I be considering I am only at home few hours of the day), but after I attended a seminar on sex education for children by Praise Fowowe, I upped it all a little. I tell my little girls what their public and private parts are. And why they must never listen to anyone who tells them ‘do not tell your daddy or mummy’. I let them know that it is not good for girls to sit on a man’s lap. Yes, even their own uncles. I mean, paedophiles are real and unfortunately, it has nothing to do with trust. It is a psychiatric disorder and shows no physical symptoms. How do you know your brother or your spouse’s brother or your child’s class teacher is not one? So why will I not just do what I can to inform my children to tell me if anyone touches them funny. Now, I will always ask my children ‘tell me the things that happened in your school today.’ From their gist, one would pick out any signs or subtle signs of anything sexual they might have picked up and what better time to clarify what they may be confused about?
I recall the day I told my husband we should stop kissing the kids on their lips and just stick to cheek pecks, he told me out rightly that I was taking it too far. Maybe I was/am. But I just felt that once they already know mouth to mouth or lip to lip is not a normal/usual thing and I let them know it is not okay to kiss people that way at that age, hopefully they would push away any idiot who make an attempt to plant a dirty kiss on their lips.  My fellow parents, if you will tell a child not to do something, you had better have a good reason to give them why they shouldn’t. If you do not, you may have only tickled their curiosity on that particular issue.
As rampant as child sexual harassment/abuse is, you will be shocked to know that there are quite a number of parents who still do not think or believe they exist. All these stories sound like made up ones to them. For those who do not believe, think back. Growing up, have there not been one or more occasions where a close senior relative or family friend made you do or even asked you to do something inappropriate for your age? I believe some of you will answer in the affirmative. I have a close ‘person’ whose uncle made him and his siblings suck on his penis in exchange for sweets. They were kids! And he was an adult!
Doubters, you need more? Some time ago, my 16yr old niece living with me informed me that a girl in the next house to ours (I do not know most people in my neighbourhood so I don’t know her parents) who of course I do see around, was sexually abused by her choir master. This girl is about 11/13 years of age. According to what she told my cousin, the choir master who her father trusts so much usually take them to and from church for practice. So he had parked the car somewhere on their way back home and forced her to have sex with him. He then gave her a thousand naira. When I asked why she did not tell her parent, she said her father is very strict and trusts this choir master so will never believe her. And that he might even beat her thinking she made up the story. Now, I heard this. I knew I should not just let it slide. I thought I should call this girl and have a few words with her but my niece said she told her in confidence and that would be breach of trust. I told my niece to convince her to come over and tell me personally so that I could then find a way to talk to this girl and see if we could inform her parent together.  Hmm. Somehow, after about three weeks, I stopped asking my niece. I know I failed in my duty and I feel terrible. But truth is, a part of me just really wanted to and still want to talk to this girl. I fear informing the parent. We know how some people can be, especially a situation where a stranger walks up to you to tell you such a thing about your daughter and a man you trust so much. I tell you, I will come out as the nosy neighbour who just wanted to destroy a good relationship. Maybe not. I will never know now.
Anyway, the entire long story above is for the doubters and the ‘it isn’t that bad’ kind of people. They do exist and I have heard of more cases. Parents, listen to EVERY thing your child has to say. It can be very difficult especially with ages 3-8 who can be talkative. Let us just try because out of the excessive questions they ask and the annoying and frustrating talks, we may be able to pick up a few things. Things that will tell us they have been learning some things the wrong way. Like maybe they have this friend who tells them to ‘ let us kiss and lie on each other like they do in television’. You can then gently ask, without shouting, who this kid telling them to do such is. You then go ahead and let them know that such words and acts is not good for good children and only bad children say and do such things. Trust me, questions will arise from even your explanation but if we read books about child sex education and pray to God for guidance, we will not go wrong in responses.
Parenting has no manual. Do not be the shouting parent. Do not doubt your children. This way, they will not fear to tell you of things they know are wrong. I have been wanting to end this write up but I am finding it hard to. This colleague of mine really vexed me with his reaction to my insisting on the little girl sitting on my lap instead. This may be by longest post so far and I honestly do not know all about child sex education. What I know is, for every age, there is something to teach. The age appropriate sexual knowledge required. I also know that, if you shy away from educating your children about sex, they will learn from their peers. The difference is that peers will teach them in the wrong way. The way that will make them want to experiment what it totally inappropriate.  Why don’t we as parent, teach them before they learn the wrong way on the outside. When they eventually do, it is no longer news and the have the RIGHT information. We can only try but we MUST always pray for guidance. It is not by our will alone.

Do you have the financial power in your marriage?

 It is usual for the man to have the financial power in marriage. However, it is not unheard of for the wife to own such powers.  I always believed all that was necessary in sustaining a marriage where the woman has the financial power is the humility and submissiveness of the wife plus a man who is confident without an inferiority complex.  Now having a few friends in this situation, two of whose marriages have ended; I have realized there might be a little more involved. I always believed my friend is very humble and should not have a problem holding a marriage in spite of her financial power in her home. When I asked her, she responded “my sister, it is a different ball game when you are actually in it. it is easier said than done”.  

*sigh*. When asked if they can be in a marriage where the women have the financial power, most men (will) say, ‘sure why not? As long as she is humble. I cannot be intimidated by any woman. I will perform my obligations and it will not be a problem”.  Nicely said. That is majority and majority they say, is usually the one to go with. In this case however, majority have not been in this situation.  In the real sense, there will be times when the man will have no choice but to ask the woman for or borrow money from her.  The man will not like it if this happens too often.  This may sometimes result in him snapping at her even when he did not intend to.

Another thing is, certain issues that the wife will normally disagree with and will want to give a contrary suggestion to and might have gone without a fight may turn out ugly in such a scenario.  For example, the lady who will normally change her wardrobe every six months now wants to do same at a time when the man is struggling to put down upkeep money. The man thinks in the line that if she goes ahead to do that, she may not have extra to compliment where the money is not sufficient and he may have to find the balance in other inconveniencing ways. So man says to wife, ‘do not get new clothes this time. You don’t really need them.’ Woman in our usual stubborn way (has nothing to do with the financial power here) says back, ‘no, I have to get them. I need them. Please let me get them.’ She goes ahead to do so. In a regular situation, the man will only be upset that she did something contrary to his wish but may probably just think, ‘well, it is her money.’. unfortunately, in a situation where the wife has the financial power over the husband, his reaction may tend more to, ‘I see, so because she earns more than me and is very independent of my money she feels she can do as she likes with the money even when I say otherwise. So I cannot even control her. She is very arrogant. She is not submissive.’  In essence, the man’s response/reaction to certain woman attitude is often misinterpreted just because she earns more than him.

It may seem that sustaining a marriage where the wife has more financial power may depend largely on the financial gap. If the guy, in spite of his lower earnings still earns not so poorly, it may not be so difficult with both parties not letting superiority or inferiority come into play. However, if the man’s earning is quite poor, it may not be so easy to sustain such marriage. It will take A LOT. Now this is entirely my opinion from what I have observed.  I believe there will definitely be a few exceptions.