Are you Still in Love?

Can people who claimed to be in love eventually fall out of love? Some will say, NO, people who are sincerely in love cannot fall out of love. If they do, then they were probably never in love. I used to think so too until recently when I started hearing a lot of cases like someone moving out of  her matrimonial home with the reason that she has fallen out of love with her husband.  Amazingly, more people believe that people (couples) do fall out of love. A divorcee (male) said,

'Love like all other things is not without a life span. So you need to nurture it to keep it alive for as long as possible. Falling out of love happens when you stop working at it.’

Thinking about it, love does not just STOP. It dies a gradual death. Different people gave different factors that may lead  to falling out of love, amongst which are infidelity, boredom, giving attention outside the relationship, individual level of forgiveness, inability to meet (financial, sexual, communication, companionship) needs, when one partner stops being who they used to be. The list cannot be exhausted.

I believe all of these can be categorised under three basic umbrella viz; Sexual disconnection, Emotional disconnection and Physical disconnection.

SEXUAL DISCONNECTION

This is when one or both parties stop feeling any form of sexual attraction towards the other. This has nothing to do with libido has the sexual urge is still there but the affected party is not interested in satisfying this urge through his/her partner. When this starts and nothing is done, it can get as bad as the affected party feeling repulsion when touched by his/her partner. For example, at the initial part of your relationship, whenever your partner runs her fingers down your chest, you get sexually activated and immediately get an erection.  Then there comes a time in this relationship when the same action from your spouse only sends irritated and disgusted feeling through your body, it could be a sign that you are becoming sexually disconnected to this person. Except of course, there are other actions by same person that still continue to give you sexual pleasure.  That is just one example.  One thing that could result in sexual disconnection is infidelity. When one finds out that his/her partner has been with someone else sexually, even though there might have been apologies and proclamation of forgiveness, the memory may be too strong for the affected person to ignore every time he/she is about to have sex with his/her partner.

EMOTIONAL DISCONNECTION

This one could very easily lead to all other forms of disconnection. The fastest way to get on this particular train is getting involved in an emotional affair. When you leave your spouse and find another confidant on the outside of the opposite sex, you are heading for an emotional affair that may very well ruin your already established relationship.  I am not saying it is wrong to have another confidant other than your spouse but when you completely cut off your spouse and stop communicating, giving all of this to someone else on the outside, then that is a wrong move. You want to make a decision on your job, your hair, something is bothering you, yet you do not seek the opinion of your spouse rather you go to this other external confidant. This third party gradually becomes your first thought whenever something comes up and you need to discuss it. gradually, you do not even remember to inform your spouse of your weekend plan and when you are accused, you just look shocked because while telling your ‘friend’, you already felt like the necessary party has been notified. We start hearing responses like, ‘I thought I told you. In fact I am sure I did’.  Before you know it, you are completely disconnected from your spouse and strong feelings for this third party begin to grow. You get emotionally attached to the outside party while getting disconnected from your spouse.

PHYSICAL DISCONNECTION: 

This is usually a transition of one or both of the afore mentioned. When your spouse become as insignificant as a plastic cup on the kitchen slab, then you may already be physically disconnected from her/him. You are both in the living room and he/she is speaking to you yet it seems like you are ignoring what is being said to you when in the real sense, you actually are oblivious of any sound coming from him/her. The presence of your spouse means nothing at this point. You are usually not even aware of when they are around or not. Sometimes this might have started from the spouse coming home really late such that you are already in bed and maybe you only had less than 30mins in the morning before you both go your separate ways. In the long hours you are both apart, there is no form of communication. No calls or texts. This never happens automatically. It is usually gradual. It nothing is done to fix it, it eventually leads to a complete disconnection.

Being in love is such a strong feeling that it is hard to believe one can fall out of it too. Maybe one never does. Maybe what happens is a disconnection. Maybe one can try to reconnect again and thereby reactivating the love. A friend said to me, 

‘ I read somewhere that love is like a flower- it grows and needs to be nurtured or else it does.’  If both parties do not nurture their love, it dies. If you physically or emotionally abuse it, it dies.'

Hmmm, I still don’t know if I completely agree that two people who are sincerely in love can/may fall out of love. I prefer the word, disconnect. Sounds safer, like something repairable to me.  :)

Do you have the financial power in your marriage?

 It is usual for the man to have the financial power in marriage. However, it is not unheard of for the wife to own such powers.  I always believed all that was necessary in sustaining a marriage where the woman has the financial power is the humility and submissiveness of the wife plus a man who is confident without an inferiority complex.  Now having a few friends in this situation, two of whose marriages have ended; I have realized there might be a little more involved. I always believed my friend is very humble and should not have a problem holding a marriage in spite of her financial power in her home. When I asked her, she responded “my sister, it is a different ball game when you are actually in it. it is easier said than done”.  

*sigh*. When asked if they can be in a marriage where the women have the financial power, most men (will) say, ‘sure why not? As long as she is humble. I cannot be intimidated by any woman. I will perform my obligations and it will not be a problem”.  Nicely said. That is majority and majority they say, is usually the one to go with. In this case however, majority have not been in this situation.  In the real sense, there will be times when the man will have no choice but to ask the woman for or borrow money from her.  The man will not like it if this happens too often.  This may sometimes result in him snapping at her even when he did not intend to.

Another thing is, certain issues that the wife will normally disagree with and will want to give a contrary suggestion to and might have gone without a fight may turn out ugly in such a scenario.  For example, the lady who will normally change her wardrobe every six months now wants to do same at a time when the man is struggling to put down upkeep money. The man thinks in the line that if she goes ahead to do that, she may not have extra to compliment where the money is not sufficient and he may have to find the balance in other inconveniencing ways. So man says to wife, ‘do not get new clothes this time. You don’t really need them.’ Woman in our usual stubborn way (has nothing to do with the financial power here) says back, ‘no, I have to get them. I need them. Please let me get them.’ She goes ahead to do so. In a regular situation, the man will only be upset that she did something contrary to his wish but may probably just think, ‘well, it is her money.’. unfortunately, in a situation where the wife has the financial power over the husband, his reaction may tend more to, ‘I see, so because she earns more than me and is very independent of my money she feels she can do as she likes with the money even when I say otherwise. So I cannot even control her. She is very arrogant. She is not submissive.’  In essence, the man’s response/reaction to certain woman attitude is often misinterpreted just because she earns more than him.

It may seem that sustaining a marriage where the wife has more financial power may depend largely on the financial gap. If the guy, in spite of his lower earnings still earns not so poorly, it may not be so difficult with both parties not letting superiority or inferiority come into play. However, if the man’s earning is quite poor, it may not be so easy to sustain such marriage. It will take A LOT. Now this is entirely my opinion from what I have observed.  I believe there will definitely be a few exceptions. 

IS SHE HELPING WITH MORE?

When I used to hear of men having sexual relationships with their maids or wife’s sister/cousin living with them, I used to be like, ‘that is crazy’. But when i started knowing of men or knowing people who actually know men who do such, I am now like ‘what the ....!’ i mean, it is more than crazy. It is disgusting and sad, very sad too.
Often times, neighbours are observant enough to notice even while the wife living under the same roof has not the slightest suspicion. Other than the man being absolutely shameless, i have been wondering what other factors could be responsible for such occurrence. Even with seemingly responsible men. Do we just take the easy route and blame it all on the devil? Hmm. A situation where the wife, for some reason has to leave home earlier than the husband and husband and help (maid or wife’s relative) are left alone at home, you really cannot have control over certain things. Things like what the girl chooses to wear while doing the small early morning chores. Remember it is still early and very likely she has not had a bath. Maybe it is a flimsy wrapper loosely tied round the chest or some other flimsy outfit. Of course, the man is a man and probably starts to see beyond the young girl and sees a pretty young waist moving temptingly in front of him. Young and firm boobs underneath a flimsy top, most likely braless too. Kids are too young to take note of some things. Even if, they have probably gone to school leaving oga alone with the help at home. Maybe the work place is still too far for madam to get home earlier than oga. Once again, the young girl help is the one who is home to open door and welcome oga when he gets back.
Madam gets home and is too busy to notice things around the house or to even listen to her husband’s gist of how his day went. Hmm. She forgets there is a likely substitute. A lot of people are quick to blame the wife and all, but let us be realistic, the way Lagos is wired, how easy is it for one not to have maids? And how easy is it for one to get jobs based on resident location? Sometimes, there are things that begin to happen and if it is not cautioned, may lead to this evil act kicking off which ones it starts, may not stop easily. What do i mean by this? The man may not have such intention from the start but if he encourages small unnecessary jokes between him and the young girl living with them, he may unconsciously find himself being too free with her and vice versa.
Yes, maybe a movie triggered this but truth is, these things happen. I may not be totally right but i think a few of the tell tale signs are when the help (young girl) has a sort of disrespectful attitude towards the husband. Most times it may be as mild as just pretending not to hear when oga talks to or calls her, thereby ignoring him. Another tell tale sign, could be a mild confrontational and overly confident attitude towards madam of the house from the help. Also, if the wife is observant, she might notice a few shared smile between the husband and the help when they think she is not looking. Like i said, all guesses. Maybe you responsible guys reading this want to help us with some more realistic and certain pointers one may notice if this kind of abomination is happening under one’s roof.

I WANT MY WEDDING NIGHT!

Yoruba and our traditions sha! Just heard a new one and I have to know if it was not made up by my friend. I just got off the phone with a friend. He was telling me that his newlywed brother and bride are all with them. I mean, he is at his parents’ and the newlyweds are there too!
‘It is the tradition that the first 2 (or did he say 3) nights, the newlyweds must be at the groom’s family’s house.’ I am still in shock. Full house on my wedding night? The night that should be my first official and if I am a virgin, my first amazing night sexually? That is total wet blanket in my opinion. Where ever that tradition was when I got married, I am glad it was on vacation. Try to imagine it. Couple in room, she is a virgin. He is supposed to consummate the marriage that night. She is too timid to even focus on the pleasure. It remains a painful experience forever because if you are not in a position to ‘feel’ the pleasure, you are more focused on the pain that comes with dislodging the hymen.
Next scenario, she is not a virgin but has been anticipating this night like forever. She knows how loud she can be during sex. Maybe that is the only way she expresses pleasure. Sound track things now. What happens? She is too conscious of the full house to even have fun. Maybe she would not even let the guy that night because she does not want full house hearing her. Even if, groom will be busy muffling sounds with pillow or something. No way! I think we should vote for this tradition to be re-assessed.
Maybe the first night, the couple can be allowed to pass the night in a hotel and then come back to the full house for as long as tradition desires. Even if the house is one big mansion, can all the rooms be sound proof??

UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?-Switch it off!

At some or one point in one’s (especially a girl’s) life, we have been hung up on the opposite sex so much so that even when we know there is nothing coming of it, we still find it so had to break it up. Maybe we are dating this guy and suddenly realise we are being taken for granted. Maybe we really like this guy but he only sees us as an option or entertainer or something to call on when bored.  We really want to stop liking this person but it is just so hard. Times like this we just wish feelings could have a switch we can turn off or on.

Truth is, most of us still do not know how to handle such situation and we only stop when the guy finally hurt us with disrespectful actions or words. We do not really wait to get so terrible hurt.  I wonder though, how some of you have successfully stopped such unhealthy (and one sided) relationship(s).  When we eventually do, we look back and wonder what we saw in them that was almost turning us into some pathetic love struck Barbie.

For me, I gradually cut down communication with such a person. Yes, the temptation and urge to contact him is so strong that it is almost chocking but I just tell myself, ‘hurt now than hurt hard later’. The first 2-3 weeks is heart wrenching but then I start getting used to not contacting this person. I adapt, just like every human is created to, a new situation.  Most times, all i need is a month and from then on, I will be fully cured. However, if at any point within the first 3 weeks i talk to the person for longer than necessary, the ‘sore’ is scratched and re opened slightly. This makes it that much longer to be fully cured. In my opinion, I think it is like an ulcer. When you are managing it, never eat or consume anything that can trigger the pains. Once you do, d pain that has been hibernating comes back.  So the trick is, know what triggers it, and stay away from it then you should be just fine.

Another thing I have tried is, look for a major fault in that person and capitalize on it so much so that I gradually start disliking him. Hmm. Most of these are easier said than done. There has to be some simpler ways though. Maybe you have tried some and you care to share what worked.

YOU WERE CAUGHT CHEATING-WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

I always wonder what makes people cheat on their spouses, irrespective of sex. Most people would conveniently say absence of adequate attention, unfulfilled sex life, financial imbalance, sudden change in appearance/attitude of the spouse.
However, if we look around properly, we might likely see a few cheating spouses who do not have any of the above as an excuse. It now bothers to say, what could be the reason for cheating? Sincerely now, if we did not have religion or morals, how easy is it to be with one person continuously for a long period of time? You wake up with the same person every day, eat with same, come back and sleep with same.
 Could it simply be the human nature for desire for something new? Or just a greedy nature? Maybe lack of trust? If it is the non-sexual cheating, it is very likely to have one of the already stated excuses above as a reason. However, for the sexual cheating, one wonders as it still all boils down to one thing- penis goes into the vagina-just maybe from various angle.
Maybe I am missing something here. Otherwise, it could be safe to say some people just lack morals or they are sex addicts. Trying to split it now, for the female, the male organ naturally should feel the same within when erect no matter the size or shape and as long as orgasm is attainable, there should not be any reason for sexual cheating.
As for the males, hmmm, truly? I cannot pretend to have the full understanding of that. It's crazy right? Think about it though, what separates us from animals? The ability to have a choice and decide what is right or wrong. We cannot throw morals away and snatch silly excuses when we do wrong. Whatever the reason, I believe for a communicating couple, it should be attainable between them if they really try. Or could there be some things communications cannot change?

CHEAT-CHAT

Am I unfaithful to my spouse? Sounds like a simple question to answer, yet I think it is quite complicated. I believe an individual has the right to define a word in whatever way he/she understands it. So, I am not going to even try to get the ‘correct’ definition for infidelity or being unfaithful in marriage.
Once a lady gets married, in most cases she believes strongly that she has to stick with the man she is married to and has promised to be faithful to. It’s amazing that in spite of the reality of almost inability of a man to think or stay that way, the wife still expects her husband to have the same view or make the same decision about marriage. Haahaa. Actually, most men do make the decision to stay faithful or at least they hoped to. However, somewhere along the line…..yea they just do not.
Now, when is the man unfaithful? Is it when he starts talking so much to the other girl? Or is it when he goes out of his way to see her just because he really misses her company? Is it when he texts her every hour? Or is it when he out rightly starts to ask her out on a date? Is it when he starts kissing and fondling her whenever they are together or is it ONLY when he actually has penetrative sex with the other girl?
I chatted with quite a number of married people and the majority feels that so long as it’s a chat you do not want to be get ‘caught at’ then it is cheating. “Yes I would say he is cheating on me because he is sharing his thoughts with another lady. His attention is divided”, says Emizen. A few said it is not cheating if there is no physical contact. Meaning that no matter how or what you chat about with another opposite sex other than your spouse, they do not see it as cheat. From this few, a small percentage believes such chats, even though they do not regard as cheating, is a sure way that could lead to infidelity. “Cheating on one’s spouse isn’t premeditated, one silly act leads to the next and it becomes a norm especially when there is no attention in the home.
About two persons feel that even kissing is not cheating and one can only be seen to have cheated if there is penetrative sex.
It is obvious from the above that what I will regard as cheating might not necessarily be seen as cheating by my spouse. There lies the escape channel that provides excuses for some when ‘caught’ having flirtatious chats with someone other than their spouse. “I have never even met him. It’s really a harmless chat and nothing more.”
Quite interestingly though, it seems that at some point, over 80% of married persons have engaged in flirtatious chats –you might want to say, emotional extra-marital affair-at one point or the other in their marriage.
Research has shown that emotional affairs resulting from frequent and continual chatting, either by phone calls or by sms, has a greater tendency to break marriages than a physical sexual affair that has no emotional link. This is mainly because, this spouse continues to get more emotionally attached to the other one out there and as such is gradually disconnected with the spouse at home. There is more tendency to share intimate thoughts and fantasies with the ‘outsider’ than the spouse.
The things that lead men to cheat on their wives are different from what would cause a woman to cheat on her husband. Both share some reasons in common.
A woman could cheat on her husband either directly or getting a chat buddy that makes her feel wonderful unlike her husband who is now sees her as a ‘wife’ who will always be there no matter his mistakes. Sometimes, she could be doing this out of revenge if she feels the husband has cheated on her-from her own definition of infidelity. Another reason could be that she feels sexually disconnected to her husband and seeks to regain that connection elsewhere.
A man could cheat on his wife, in whatever definition you have chosen to go by, because he is no longer attracted to her. It could also be because he is beginning to feel old and needs to reassure himself that he is still ‘in town’ and capable to make a girl desire him. Or if he feels neglected by the wife and he finds someone who listens to his whatever he has to say including his silliest jokes.
These are only a few of the reasons why. Have you ever engaged in flirtatious chats with someone other than your spouse? Did you feel guilty? What led to that? What do you think are some of the reasons for people to have extra-marital affairs? Do share with other readers.