SINGLE MOMS: WHY THE STIGMATIZATION

Single motherhood is no longer uncommon in our society and I would have thought that the stigmatization would reduce.  Some time ago, one of my first posts actually, I blogged about unwanted babies http://phaozee-mythoughts.blogspot.com/2012/02/unwanted-babies.html.  We read how babies were abandoned in hideous places and left for dead, sometimes eaten by animals such as pigs. Others would even terminate (murder) a fetus with already formed limbs say at 6 months by taking certain concoction.

It is therefore shocking to me when a lady who made conscious effort to ‘save’ and love her baby, even care for alone is now looked upon like the loose and stigmatized to the point of it being a major issue when she meets a guy who wants to marry her.  Now that is entirely my opinion and you may have a different one. I mean, the one who had a baby but abandoned it, the one who aborted the pregnancy and the one who had a child all committed adultery and is a sin from the religious point of view.  The other two committed additional sins viz:  attempted murder/abandonment and murder. While the single mother chose not to add to her ‘error’.  I would refer to her as the brave one rather than condemn her.  Some of you may totally disagree with me and say she is stupid for jeopardizing her chances of living a stigma free life when she could have done otherwise but then we have different perspectives to life issues.

It is important to note that I am in no way celebrating or promoting single motherhood. Rather I am trying to understand why choosing to make a good (keeping d baby) out of a bad (having unprotected sex) is something to be ashamed of. Some men do not mind getting married to single mothers but others do mind a lot. Even the ones that do not mind get a lot of disapproval from their family members.  Strange as it may sound, I actually have a friend, he is divorced and has 3 kids yet he insists he cannot get married to a single mother.

Guys, if you are reading this, can you marry a single mother, especially if she has most of the attributes u desire in a wife? And generally, dear readers, what do you think are the reasons for the stigmatization single mothers face and are these reasons justified?

HUMANoPHOBIA????

I officially need help. I have phobia for HUMANS. Yes. I am afraid of people. This started after two guys with guns stopped and tried to rob my husband and I on the 23^rd June.  It is strange that I did not blog about the robbery incident –attempted-yet I am blogging about the aftermath of it. I can no longer bear to have a strange man look at me for even 5seconds without feeling that thud that signifies fear in my chest.  If someone moves or walks towards me, I get that feeling. I am in the car, and a motorcycle overtakes the car, I am almost ready ‘to be attacked’. 

This may sound silly and like I am just a dramatic but truly, this is getting really annoying even to me.  Every strange face around me now seems like a potential armed robber.  The other day a guy was walking towards my direction and for whatever reason, he lifted his t-shirt. I was this close to taking to my heels. Well, just a day before that, one of the guys (the one that held the gun to my side of the car in my face) did a similar motion of lifting t-shirt and out came a gun! Who would blame me for not wanting to see that movement especially by a guy? 

I am writing this because I honestly need help in getting over this latest and annoying fear of strange faces.  Dear darling readers, what do u think I can do to overcome this fear? Unfortunately, I do not get back from work till dark and I have to walk my street alone. I pray I do not punch an innocent one in the face some day and now that I am even contemplating having a pen knife with me all the time, I pray I do not attack an innocent person. Or maybe I should just get a pepper spray?

my thoughts: WHAT'S YOUR DISTRESS CODE?

my thoughts: WHAT'S YOUR DISTRESS CODE?: It is funny how we always seem prepared for what never happens but never prepared for what eventually does happen.   I have always thoug...

WHAT'S YOUR DISTRESS CODE?

It is funny how we always seem prepared for what never happens but never prepared for what eventually does happen.  I have always thought it a great idea to have this secret code between my husband and I that would send a signal to me that he has a thief(holding a gun to his head)  with him at the door when he knocks. I never thought I needed to have a code for ‘hey aunt, I have been kidnapped!’

Yes I give all thanks to God today.  My niece-cousin-niece-cousin..Whatever, well, my cousin’s daughter was kidnapped.  She lives with me. We spoke more than four times on the phone while she was with the kidnappers yet I suspected nothing.  As far as I was concerned, she went for her computer classes and is staying longer than necessary, disobeying my orders to leave there and head back home. So, I decided to stop calling and see the time she would come home and I would tongue lash her.  My mom called to tell me that my niece called her to tell her she was lost and did not have a clue how to get back home to me. Of course I panicked in confusion. I called and gave her instructions on how to get to a spot where my hubby would go pick her up.

She is back home safe and sound now. Here is her story….

On her way to her computer class which is just on the next street, she was accosted by a guy with a gun to go into a jeep. She was then driven from my very far location of agege to some place (we got to know, a village after Ikorodu). They took her into an uncompleted building where she was asked to sit and that was when she made the second call to me asking if I was home yet. Apparently, they were given a photograph of a girl to kidnap and she was just a case of mistaken identity. The main man ordered them to take her back and left. They told her they had no time to take her back and she should be prepared to stay there for another three days since she said she knew nowhere. There was however a younger guy who was asked to stay with her. He told her he would take her to where she would get a bus and she should ask around from there. So he took her to where she boarded bus to Ikorodu and she was able to contact us properly. Of course the story is longer than all of this but my simple question is, do we now make it a duty to give code words within the family that will signify that we are in a compromised or bad situation?

TEARS OF A MOTHER .....plane crash

I was shivering, shaking, panting, gasping, and hyperventilating. My mind flashed back.  I was about to board the airline. As was the custom in my family, I sent sms to my dad that I was about to board. I called my husband as soon as I sent the sms that I was boarding already. I boarded with my daughter.  There was nothing strange about the whole pre-take off and take off procedure. My daughter was strapped to me with an infant belt. She is 2. About 30mins into the flight, one of the crew members announced that we need to strap on tight and said a few things to calm us down.  I felt the plane jerked in a funny way about a couple of times and it did not feel like the regular turbulence one would experience. But then I did not feel any fear-yet-as I simply assumed we were approaching the airport and descending. Yes seems we were sort of descending already or was it my imagination? We would descend, and then rise again. This was kind of strange. When this continued for another five minutes I noticed a few other passengers were feeling uneasy as well.  Now we were about 35minutes in air. Seemed like all was fine again. Then we got that reassuring announcement that we were approaching the Muritala Muhammed airport and check that our seat belts were fastened.  This was about 5mins after the descend and rise effect I felt.  My daughter was wriggling restlessly so I held her tight and tried to soothe her with playful songs.

Then!  I felt the plane descend sharply. I looked out and I did not see that we were above the airport yet. It came up a bit again. This time, everyone obviously panicked. I held onto my daughter so tight that she cried. Then I was saying ‘Subhanallah, lai laha ila Allahu’. I was saying all that amidst reciting the protective verse “kur siyu” of the Holy Quran. Others around me were also screaming all sorts of prayers. I could only hear myself. There was suddenly a very loud sound and that was when I felt like I was floating alone and my whole inside was dropping down , down , down.  God! We weren’t landing. We were falling! It was so fast but it was so detailed at the same time. Like a slow motion being replayed fast. I have no idea if something hit the plane or the plane hit something but we stopped descending with a loud thud with things flying down and around inside the air craft at the same time. I was seated towards the back. Something had fallen to hit the man beside me on his head. It was all so confusing. People screaming inside, fallen over each other. I saw nothing. I only heard my daughter saying ‘mummy mummy, let us go outside’. As I prayed in fear, my heart was screaming to my husband but nothing came from my lips. He was at the airport waiting to pick me.  He could not hear me. Because we did not land at t he airport. I prayed he would hear me and come for me.  I told myself I would make sure nothing happened to my daughter.  I was so scared now. I am shivering. And holding my baby, and crying because I knew it was a crash. There was no crew member to re assure anyone. I saw none of them.  As I walked blindly towards the only ray of light I could see, I heard a wheezing sound and then….there was flame.

I am sweating.  Yes I am panting, just writing my imagination. It did not happen to me. But it could have been anyone of use and  I know it happened to someone. Maybe not exactly.  All of the above flashed through my mind within 5mins. I was crying. I pray that those who died in the crash find peace-one way or another. I pray that all none of the kids onboard experienced pain before they died. I pray that all of the kids on that Dana plane felt the love of their mother as strong as ever.

.....AND SHE DIED

I heard she put to bed...Friday. So in excitement I called her. She sounded so elated saying her birthday is just few days away. She had been delivered of a baby girl. Yippee! We would go throw a party to celebrate the birth of the baby in another eight days. That is our culture.

Then came the call to my hubby's phone at night. It was my brother in-law saying his wife who had put to bed earlier in the day is now unconscious. I told my hubby, it can't be. I spoke with her and she was very ok.' anyway, he still had to go check her on Saturday to be sure she was fine. When he got there, he called me to confirm she was unconscious. Now that is really worrying. I had no clue what led to that. So as usual, I started asking my brother who is a medical doctor, what could be the likely cause. My hubby also asked the doctor in charge of my sister in-law’s delivery and it came to light that apparently her blood pressure shot up after child birth. This is a case know as post-partum eclampsia.

I called later that day; I was told 'she is asleep now. No longer unconscious. Of course I felt relieved. If only I knew then she never actually came to. Rather she fitted again through the unconsciousness.

Sunday came and I joined my husband, along with the kids to go see my sister in-law and her new baby. I got there. I went in the room where she lay unconscious. She is naturally very light skinned. The skin of the lady lying there looked so much darker and her mouth was open breathing forcefully, the sound of fluid in lungs was very clear to me and her tummy moved up and down in a fast irregular motion. I stayed a bit, and then I went and stood in the balcony. I made a call to my brother to describe as precise as I could the present condition of my sister in-law. He said with the way I described the treatment she was being given, she is not getting the sort of treatment she needed. She has been in that unconscious state for over 48hrs. So a decision was made to take her to another hospital. According to the doctor, as at the time she had the first fit that led to her being unconscious, her BP was 220/140. We took her to a private hospital that we were referred to but was told the doctor traveled. And in haste and fear and anxiety, we rushed her to another federal government hospital (all state government hospitals were on strike) were we were told there was no bed space. We pleaded for her to be seen even if on a stretcher but they insisted they had to get a bed for her first. By this time we were all crying in fear. We rushed her to another private hospital and by the time we got there, she was still breathing in that heavy, stressed irregular, fast patter. Then, as d car stopped, she seemed to heave a deep breath...her last breath. A nurse came out (coincidentally, one who knows...knew her) and by the time she was done checking her vitals, she confirmed her dead.

My iyale, my senior wife, my sister in-law, she was dead. She was gone. I called her name severally she did not respond....death, not such an abstract word after all.

MOST LADIES

As usual, I did a survey, this time to confirm the theory that majority of ladies have lesbian tendencies. Naturally, most will be too embarrassed to admit it but surprisingly, I was able to get honest responses that showed that  over 70% of girls have lesbian tendencies!!! However, not all have actually gone through with the ‘act’. For 40%, it still remains a fantasy. It has remained a fantasy for most mainly because deep down they know or believe it is not right or proper to desire to be touched by the same sex. For some, because they do not have to courage to approach another girl for it for fear of being turned down and embarrassed. Out of the remaining 30% who have tried it, about 5% found it wasn’t their thing.

When you think about it and wonder why this is so, it is possible that it is because a lady would clean up her vagina by really using her hands and fingers and this will allow them know the feeling of and right place to get the best sensation. Hence the saying that only a woman truly understand the best way to turn a woman on (ok, I don’t know where I got that saying from.lol).

Whether for cultural of religious reasons, most people believe attraction to the same sex is totally wrong. I will love to read your responses. Do you agree that most women have lesbian tendencies? Do you (if you are female) have lesbian tendency? Have you ever carried out your fantasy?