SHE MADE ME SEE BEYOND...the genotype

Can we meet you?

I am a 30yr old graduate of marketing from Lagos State Polytechnic (LASPOTECH), A married woman that currently works for herself,l love meeting people reading and writing.I ve a passion for interior designs and the name is MARYAM

When did you first understand the magnitude of the condition you have?

Ans: I had always known i was different like my elder brother but the magnitude of my condition hit me when i became an adolecent,my peer were growing but i remained a flat chested tiny girl with big tummy , then I started learning more about who and what i really am.

How did you take it?

Ans: Not too good at first i must say,because i felt I was d cause of every joke plus not being able to do all what my friends could do without consequences. coming to terms with who i am really took great amount of research and understanding from that point on it has not been too bad.

Did you feel  very different amongst your siblings and friends? If yes, how so?

Ans: fortunately or unfortunately for me I had an elder brother with same condition so it was not much of an issue with siblings but with friends must times i feel different because majority don't understand why i can not do all they do or why i am on drugs must times or even hospitalised.

Did this condition affect your academics in anyway?

Ans: yes it did, but for me it was more psychological than physical. I had a stress induced crisis during my exams in sch at a point (it was one of the worse crisis even) i notice unconsiously that i don't take studying as serious as i use to studying(stress) became like a phobia.

Did you at any point blame your parents, whether consciously or unconsciously?

Ans: hmmmmm. I might have at the peak of one or two crisis but I when I see the pain in there eyes when they see me in pain all such thoughts disapper from my mind.

So far, what was the critical period for you when you wondered if you would survive? That is,  your worst crisis ever. And how old were you at this point?

Ans: Age 28, a crisis like i never had before when i saw fear in the eyes of my doctor then i thought all hope was lost because I never seen him in that state ever before. 

Growing up, did people look at you funny knowing your condition?

Ans: its became normal as i always get the pity look as if i am a dead man walking.

Did you have to deal with discrimination amongst your peers? How did you overcome that?

Ans: sure i was been discriminated amongst my peer cause as human beings i believe we are usually scared of what we don't understand as such discrimination occurs but for me i made up for it in other ways. yes i could not be who they are but i ensured i made myself into an indispensable person to them.

What makes it so easy for you to talk about it?

Ans: living with my condition can only get easier if people are enlighten about this condition,by talking about it i get to change people's misconceptions about the condition.

Do you think if two people of genotype AS love each other so much, they should go ahead and get married in spite of the risks?

Ans: in my opinion and that of a realistic person my ans is a big NO, cos i have come to realise it takes more than love for a family to survive with sickle cell patients when the realist of the situation heats them i am so sure they will not remember when they use to love each other, except they are heartless.

What can you say to encourage little children who has sickle cell?

Living with sickle cell should not be a stombling block but rather it should be a stepping stone. Yes we are restricted in the things we can do but even at dt we can be the best of what ever we set our minds to because we are special.

YOUR SPOUSE....and their friends of the opposite sex.

Before we got married, we had friends…even of the opposite sex.  What happens to those friends of the opposite sex after we get married? Do we tell our spouse about them ALL? Is this important? Will there be consequences if we don’t mention them all?

I recently got talking with a friend (opposite sex) of mine and we had this conversation. He wanted to know how it affects a female if she finds out about female friends of her spouse she did not know about and he wondered if every guy thought it was compulsory for them to know of all their spouse’s male friends. Ok, I truly do not know because I happen to have loads of acquaintances….maybe not necessarily friends, who are guys and my spouse do not know of. This is not because I kept it a secret but we just have not gisted to that side. The ones he knows about was not because I felt I MUST inform him but we have gisted to that side. I do not feel the need to know of all his female friends either.

My usual style, I took a survey for this. More people thought it was not compulsory to know of their spouse’s friends of the opposite sex. More of these people, actually have friends of the opposite sex who their spouse do not know about. What weird me out and actually cracked me up was that we have more females who, even though have male friends their spouse do not know of, believing the HAVE to know of all their spouse’s female friends! Loool. My breed though! I just love us. Only one guy held this view.

Do you suddenly hear an alarm in your head whenever you discover an opposite sex friend of your spouse? Is there a reason you would want to know of all of them? I would love to read from you. Do share your views with other readers. 

MY NEIGHBOUR...A true story.

Who is your neighbour? 'A person living next door to or very near to the speaker or person referred to'. My friend gave me a 'gist' recently of how he got into a fight with his wife. Ehn, so this is not unusual. However, the trigger of the fight got me thinking.
His wife had travelled out of town for a few days.Upon her return, her neighbour (whois a pastor) hailed her and said, ' Welcome, i think say you and Oga na in travel o. Because Oga sef no dey for like three days. i never see this gate open make e enter for days now'. Ofcourse 'Oga' did not travel but apparently was away from home (without the knowledge of his wife) for a few days as well. Now wife, as expected is very disappointed and angry. A fight ensued and she accused her husband of infidelity, saying this is what he probably does whenever she was away.
The husband claimed that he passed the night at a friend's place around the office as the distance between where he lives and where he works is quite a journey. Anyway, i found this kind of funny and interesting and a bit confusing at the same time...the neighbour's involvement that is. Was the neighbour being sincerely concerned (being observant of who goes in and out of houses in his neighbourhood)? Was he being nosy? Or he just was being 'the christian' trying to prevent any room for infidelity? My neighbour's marriage is about 10 years.
As a man, how would you react to this situation? Ok, what if the circumstances were reversed (your neighbour 'hailing' you that your wife has been away also in your absence), would you react the same way sincerely? As a woman, would you encourage the neighbour? Especially since that may be your source of keeping tabs in your absence. As a neighbour, would you do the same, not necessarily out of being nosy?
I am just curious especially as this brings to mind another female friend of mine whose husband checks on (when he is away) by calling neighbours and asking if she is home. 
P.S: My friend is yet to resolve this issue with his wife. He wants her to speak to the younger friend of his whose place he (claimed) to have passed  the nights he was  away from home.

SOCIETY OR NOT..she chose to walk away.

Mitchelle is a strong woman, a single mother of one, a survivor. One of the few who was bold and courageous enough to get out of an abusive marriage. I am so impressed so here is my chat with her.

Phaozee: When was the first time you were hit by a man? Like physical abuse.

Mitch: Wow that was a long time ago back in school then, around 2001.

Phaozee: What was your relationship with him?

Mitch: He was my boyfriend. 

Phaozee: After that was there someone else who did that to you? If yes, what was your relationship to him?

Mitch: Oh yes, and that was my ex husband.

Phaozee: The first time you were hit, what was your immediate reaction?

Mitch: I was defensive but I couldn't do much cos I was pregnant.

Phaozee: Did you eventually confide in anyone? If yes, did you let your partner know you told someone? If yes did that help?

Mitch: Nope, I didn't confide in anyone. I thought I could avenge myself by doing something 'western' , you won't believe what I did ,let me tell u, after beating me, he left the house and took my phones away because he wanted to delete the numbers I got from his phone and he also didn't want to contact anyone, so in my angry state, I opened the wines in the house, brought out all his clothes and undies and soaked them in the wine as much as I could...lols cant believe I did that though...and that was where he got my sympathy, I started blaming myself for overreacting , I started giving excuse for him for the act every time it occurred.

Phaozee: Did he often apologise afters?

Mitch: Nope ,he never apologises.

Phaozee: What usually triggers this beatings or fights? Sight three instances.

Mitch: My experience is a strange one because trivial things triggers him for instance, we went out together, got drunk, got home and couldn't take the baby in beause my legs were shaky, didn't want the baby to fall, instead of him to just help take the baby in, he hit me so hard that my face was swollen, and started cursing me and left the baby and I in the living room. Another one , during a civil discussion , I gave an opinion and he just flared up and that was it...and the last one which ended the marriage , give me the money you owed my sis because she's travelling, infact the beating that morning, I didn't recover for months.

Phaozee: What ways have you tried in the past to prevent such from happening and how did you protect yourself? Run? Hide? Fight back? Or you just stand and face it?

Mitch: I stood back one day and brought out a knife that if he ever comes near I will stab him, he left the house that day, I once locked myself up in the room, but it got to a stage I just beg him for anything wrong or right just to prevent any noise or fight.

Phaozee: How did you perceive him overtime? Were you scared of him, did you see him as a bully? A coward , a controller? How? I mean at that time and not now that you know better.

Mitch: I see him as a coward  irresponsible man trying to force respect instead of earning it                .

Phaozee: Do you think a wife or woman beater can ever change?

Mitch: They can never change, I heard the lady whom he 'married' afterwards was also a victim but she's a rich girl and she got him arrested, I think that was d end of the relationship too.

Phaozee: What was your wake up call? What gave you the courage to ‘run’?

Mitch: My parents....my mom especially.

Phaozee: What are the signs you look out for in a man that are easy tell-tale that he is a likely woman abuser?

Mitch: Lot of things actually, education, exposure, temperament ,etc

Phaozee: How did all of this affect your person?

Mitch: I almost lost my feminine ego, because then I felt I'm not free to talk to a man anyhow, I thought low of myself because to make matters worse, I was a student, no money.

Phaozee: How did you recover and move on and see yourself as a better person? What ways did you device?

Mitch: I took solace in my future, so I invested my time into building myself and hence I regained my ego.
My advice: a woman shouldn't be too naive , no reason is enough to abuse a woman physically,  don't loose yourself ,the moment you start defending him and blaming yourself, you have lost it and above all, don’t seek for happiness in a man, take time to build yourself, make yourself the right woman every man prays for, wherever your heart goes, take your head along...

Villain to Hero

I met Tunde ‘by chance’ and he seemed like an interesting personality. Well, interesting that we chat but I knew nothing about him yet I had a feeling there was an interesting story around this man. I had randomly asked a group of friends, Tunde inclusive, what could push them to ever hit a woman. I did get various interesting responses except that Tunde added that he always hit all his previous partners until three years ago.

Wow! Yes that was my exact mental reaction. I had never, ever met a man who owned up to constantly hitting their partner.  After I recovered from my amazement I decided to have a chat with him. This is his story.

My name is Tunde.  Until three years ago, I always found a reason to hit my partner and I never really saw it as a big deal. The first time would be way back in 1996 or 1997. It started out as fun as I would always pick on my childhood crush ( a friend’s sister), watch her cry and I would apologise. That was very interesting for me.  She never had to do anything  to prompt this. It was fun at first till it became more like a habit. Did I know it was wrong? Yes I knew it was wrong at first but over time, having gone into more serious relationships, I had several reasons to justify my actions. Another reason that never made me feel bad about my actions was because I had always held the erroneous belief that I was above everyone, irrespective of the gender. Once, I nurtured the idea that I was the best thing my partners could find. One of such times,   I accidentally hit my mother on the shoulder while she tried to put a stop to one of those fights. She had come visiting and a fight ensued between my partner and i. it was very embarrassing when she called her elder brother who had always held me in high esteem to report the issue.

My wake up call came the day I hit the mother of my kids in the face and it was swollen for days. She did not bother visiting public places with the injury and I was very ashamed when friends would ask what happened and she would lie that she was hit in the face by the small mortar that dropped from the cabinet. This still hurts me.

We all have the volition to do wrong or right. I had to speak to myself first.  Since I made the decision to stop this barbaric act, I have used various methods to keep off it. Personally, I would warn her sternly on the likely outcome of any argument and sometimes try to walk away or out of the house.  If she tries to stop me, I usually come up with the comment that wealthy people do  not act the way we do. Thankfully, she finds that amusing each time regardless of the extent of anger dwelling in her. I am proud to say that I am no longer the villain. I stopped hitting my partner over three years ago and I am positive it will NEVER happen again.