RUN YOUR OWN SHOW- even from the grave

Next of kin is usually a person’s closest living blood relative. It is usually the person you have requested to be called or notified in the event of an emergency or your death. This is the person who, in the absence of a living will, you have chosen to make decision over your properties when you are gone.

I actually did not place much importance to this until two of my friends recently lost their husbands. Very sad indeed. The first thought that came to me was, ‘how will she cope? With two kids. Ok thank God her husband was financially ok and they should be fine.’ Of course I simply assumed naturally that they would be next of kins to their husbands.  However, few days ago, i got talking with some friends and found out about a young widow who, even though has been going back and forth signing documents in the late husband’s office, is actually not the next of kin to him in the office. From a very confirmed source, my friend heard that she was not the one who was going to get whatever was coming to the late husband from the company-quite a huge amount too. Even though I do not know this lady, I felt very close to tears. Why? Because she would wonder why her husband doubted her. Yes. If that is not distrust then what is it? She has kids for him too.

So i decided to just find out from a few married people who their next of kin are. Most men said their wives but said they would change it to their kids once they are of age. Most women said they used their kids but usually use their husband’s names in the case of who to call at the point of emergencies. When asked why their kids, they said because they needed to make sure that when they are gone, the kids will be fine as they KNOW their husbands would get married and may easily be otherwise influenced by another woman. However, those who has their spouses as their next of kin said it was because they trust them to take care of the children if something were to happen to them. The one i found most amusing were the ladies that said they used their husbands as next of kin only because they confirmed first that they also next of kins to their husbands. Haahaa.

Most people never want to think of death but the truth is, we all will die one day and when we die, we want to know that those we left behind are not cheated. Have we thought deeply about who we have used as next of kin? Have we made the best choices? If we use our spouses, are we very sure they will distribute the property justly? If we did not, have we thought about the fact that only they will be left to take care of the kids we have left behind and will need finance for that?  If we have used our kids out of selfish reason of ‘i don’t want her/him to share my property with the next person they marry’, have we considered that our kids will not have access to our property/money until they are of age? Who will provide for them in the mean time? Maybe i am being unreasonably sentimental but i sincerely just think that our spouses should be our next of kin for as long as our kids are still minors or even yet to be born. This is because even if something were to happen to both husband and wife at the same time, the kids automatically get the position of next of kin. Except of course where they are too young and there are very greedy and selfish relatives.

I think in all of this, we can safely say that to avoid having the fear of unknown, apart from having next of kin, we should also have a will drawn by a lawyer. At least that way, we can prevent greedy relatives from controlling things when we are gone.

IS SHE HELPING WITH MORE?

When I used to hear of men having sexual relationships with their maids or wife’s sister/cousin living with them, I used to be like, ‘that is crazy’. But when i started knowing of men or knowing people who actually know men who do such, I am now like ‘what the ....!’ i mean, it is more than crazy. It is disgusting and sad, very sad too.
Often times, neighbours are observant enough to notice even while the wife living under the same roof has not the slightest suspicion. Other than the man being absolutely shameless, i have been wondering what other factors could be responsible for such occurrence. Even with seemingly responsible men. Do we just take the easy route and blame it all on the devil? Hmm. A situation where the wife, for some reason has to leave home earlier than the husband and husband and help (maid or wife’s relative) are left alone at home, you really cannot have control over certain things. Things like what the girl chooses to wear while doing the small early morning chores. Remember it is still early and very likely she has not had a bath. Maybe it is a flimsy wrapper loosely tied round the chest or some other flimsy outfit. Of course, the man is a man and probably starts to see beyond the young girl and sees a pretty young waist moving temptingly in front of him. Young and firm boobs underneath a flimsy top, most likely braless too. Kids are too young to take note of some things. Even if, they have probably gone to school leaving oga alone with the help at home. Maybe the work place is still too far for madam to get home earlier than oga. Once again, the young girl help is the one who is home to open door and welcome oga when he gets back.
Madam gets home and is too busy to notice things around the house or to even listen to her husband’s gist of how his day went. Hmm. She forgets there is a likely substitute. A lot of people are quick to blame the wife and all, but let us be realistic, the way Lagos is wired, how easy is it for one not to have maids? And how easy is it for one to get jobs based on resident location? Sometimes, there are things that begin to happen and if it is not cautioned, may lead to this evil act kicking off which ones it starts, may not stop easily. What do i mean by this? The man may not have such intention from the start but if he encourages small unnecessary jokes between him and the young girl living with them, he may unconsciously find himself being too free with her and vice versa.
Yes, maybe a movie triggered this but truth is, these things happen. I may not be totally right but i think a few of the tell tale signs are when the help (young girl) has a sort of disrespectful attitude towards the husband. Most times it may be as mild as just pretending not to hear when oga talks to or calls her, thereby ignoring him. Another tell tale sign, could be a mild confrontational and overly confident attitude towards madam of the house from the help. Also, if the wife is observant, she might notice a few shared smile between the husband and the help when they think she is not looking. Like i said, all guesses. Maybe you responsible guys reading this want to help us with some more realistic and certain pointers one may notice if this kind of abomination is happening under one’s roof.

SEX TOYS- WOULD YOU GET HER ONE?

Vibrators, dildos. They serve same or similar purposes. Gives pleasure to the female sex organ either through a vibrating sensation or the penetrating effect that feels like a penis. Well, that is the best way i can describe them.
I have friends whose husbands pleasure them during fore-play, using vibrators to tickle the clitoris. This was shocking to me the first time I heard because I never thought a man would even want to know that his wife uses one. Although I have never used one, I will not deny that I do wonder what it would feel like. I was talking to a few married men to find out their opinion about this artificial penis. Of course, majority said they would NEVER let their women use one, whether in their presence or in their absence. A few (not so few) others did not mind. Apparently, some even purchase for their wives. Below are some of the responses I got.
Tim says, ‘my conviction as a Christian forbids me. It is also a sign of weakness for the man.’ He says a big NO to letting his wife use one.
Dr A.C says, ‘most men can try it with girl friends but not with wife.’ Hmm this response shows that there are lots of men who would act out their fantasies with girl friends but never with their wives. Topic for another day.
Enitan says, ‘personally, no. So far say nothing do my sex organ and it is my responsibility to satisfy her. Vibrator may only come in if she enjoys it but it should not be a permanent solution to satisfaction.’
Tae says, ‘yes, one off. It is difficult to get them to climax all the time so they have a right to be crazy ones or twice a year. It is like fingering, you know. Do you really enjoy it? The answer is no but she does. You have to always think of your spouse’s happiness because it will save you a lot of stress.’ This happens to be one of my favourite responses.
Sam says, ‘why not? If that is what excites her. And if it is something new, not there from our dating days, question will be, ‘where is she learning it from?’’
AT says, ‘no I won’t because she may get used to it and there is no way as a human being will i be able to give her the same level of satisfaction. Also there exists the tendency for the frequency of masturbation to increase. This can also create room for lesbianism because it may become easy for her to do it with another woman after all it is the vibrator that is being used.’
Seun says, ‘it does not bother me because I know she will never want vibrator when i am there. I satisfy her more than any vibrator can ever do. If I am not around, make she carry go. Shebi i nor dey?’
For the men who will not tolerate it at all, I wonder what you would do if you suddenly found out your wife has one hidden somewhere in the house. Would you feel cheated on?

I WANT MY WEDDING NIGHT!

Yoruba and our traditions sha! Just heard a new one and I have to know if it was not made up by my friend. I just got off the phone with a friend. He was telling me that his newlywed brother and bride are all with them. I mean, he is at his parents’ and the newlyweds are there too!
‘It is the tradition that the first 2 (or did he say 3) nights, the newlyweds must be at the groom’s family’s house.’ I am still in shock. Full house on my wedding night? The night that should be my first official and if I am a virgin, my first amazing night sexually? That is total wet blanket in my opinion. Where ever that tradition was when I got married, I am glad it was on vacation. Try to imagine it. Couple in room, she is a virgin. He is supposed to consummate the marriage that night. She is too timid to even focus on the pleasure. It remains a painful experience forever because if you are not in a position to ‘feel’ the pleasure, you are more focused on the pain that comes with dislodging the hymen.
Next scenario, she is not a virgin but has been anticipating this night like forever. She knows how loud she can be during sex. Maybe that is the only way she expresses pleasure. Sound track things now. What happens? She is too conscious of the full house to even have fun. Maybe she would not even let the guy that night because she does not want full house hearing her. Even if, groom will be busy muffling sounds with pillow or something. No way! I think we should vote for this tradition to be re-assessed.
Maybe the first night, the couple can be allowed to pass the night in a hotel and then come back to the full house for as long as tradition desires. Even if the house is one big mansion, can all the rooms be sound proof??

UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?-Switch it off!

At some or one point in one’s (especially a girl’s) life, we have been hung up on the opposite sex so much so that even when we know there is nothing coming of it, we still find it so had to break it up. Maybe we are dating this guy and suddenly realise we are being taken for granted. Maybe we really like this guy but he only sees us as an option or entertainer or something to call on when bored.  We really want to stop liking this person but it is just so hard. Times like this we just wish feelings could have a switch we can turn off or on.

Truth is, most of us still do not know how to handle such situation and we only stop when the guy finally hurt us with disrespectful actions or words. We do not really wait to get so terrible hurt.  I wonder though, how some of you have successfully stopped such unhealthy (and one sided) relationship(s).  When we eventually do, we look back and wonder what we saw in them that was almost turning us into some pathetic love struck Barbie.

For me, I gradually cut down communication with such a person. Yes, the temptation and urge to contact him is so strong that it is almost chocking but I just tell myself, ‘hurt now than hurt hard later’. The first 2-3 weeks is heart wrenching but then I start getting used to not contacting this person. I adapt, just like every human is created to, a new situation.  Most times, all i need is a month and from then on, I will be fully cured. However, if at any point within the first 3 weeks i talk to the person for longer than necessary, the ‘sore’ is scratched and re opened slightly. This makes it that much longer to be fully cured. In my opinion, I think it is like an ulcer. When you are managing it, never eat or consume anything that can trigger the pains. Once you do, d pain that has been hibernating comes back.  So the trick is, know what triggers it, and stay away from it then you should be just fine.

Another thing I have tried is, look for a major fault in that person and capitalize on it so much so that I gradually start disliking him. Hmm. Most of these are easier said than done. There has to be some simpler ways though. Maybe you have tried some and you care to share what worked.

WHATEVER HIS BLOOD TYPE- he obviously can't be bothered.

 My name is Dotun, 5th and 1st born of dad and mum respectively.  I’m a 28yr old registered nurse living with the sickle cell disease. When Phaozee came to me to tell her more about SCD, I smiled and wondered what there was to tell. I never saw this condition as something so big because I naturally do not see a reason to brood over things that cannot be changed.  Of course, as a child I understood my limitations and felt bad about it but I got over it eventually.

As a nurse, I care for patients as due. As someone that has the same condition, I see it as a phase and I'm like "you'll get over it soon". Pain is described as what the patient says it is and so it should be treated as such. Rehydration, rest, and medications are some of the lines of management.

As a kid, playing football and engaging in some other activities with friends was fun but I discovered others could go out to repeat the same activities the next day while I remained on the bed for days rolling in pain.  I knew there was a difference between me and other kid.  Mum made me feel different amongst siblings, though unconsciously. The “don’t do that, you can’t do this” situation made me feel different. She lost 2 children, 1 to the condition and the other before the genotype could be ascertained.  I played with friends to any level I wanted to, I might not just be able to get up the next day. I have had days too that while playing I go into crisis. Growing up, I missed school on many occasions but it never affected my grades and scores. I had a way of making the top three.  As a result of my good performance, there was less chance for discriminations amongst my peers. In my junior secondary 1 and 2, I have had to struggle to remain in the 13th, 12th and 11th position on some occasions but this wasn’t because of my condition.

Post Secondary education, yes it affected because I felt relaxed like “I really need not struggle, I have my mum”. That got to my head, I didn’t take exams seriously, I failed JAMB a couple of times and when I eventually had the opportunity of gaining admission into a federal polytechnic outside Lagos, I wasn’t allowed to go. I had to settle for a college of education which I was going to from home. It took a while before I realized that I owned my life and mum would not be available forever.

Did I ever blame my parents? At the peak of some painful crises, I may have done so unconsciously but at some other fun times, my mum and I sometimes joke about that. I say stuffs like:  “you have used the love that was worrying you to cause ‘wahala’ for me”.  I had the first crisis when I was 4, according to my parents and I have had crises of varying degrees. I don’t know which I could call the worst but really, I don’t remember the experiences. I guess for me, the memory only lasts as long as the pain. *smiles*.

In my early days in school, precisely, primary and junior secondary school days, I was bullied, I mean bullied in the real sense of the word. I have yellow eyeballs that change from light to deep based on my state of health but never been white. I had a very big tummy and my growth was stunted. I remember a particular girl that called me ‘Oloju Green’ i.e. green eyeballs.

Based on academic performances and consistency, I was made the Head boy in secondary school but it was hell. Even junior students threatened to deal with me basically because of my stature.

Looking back, I see how normal it would have been for primary and secondary school children to deal with such funny look especially when there was no form of education that tended towards that.

Talking about relationships, my self confidence was missing. I couldn’t walk up to any girl, my size and tummy didn’t let me and some that I was able to talk to just saw me as a joke. I didn’t see that as discrimination at the time. It’s in the past now anyway.

I have never had difficulty talking about this condition. I mean, I never hid it from people around me.  I have built a support system, made friends and I have contacts of people living with SCD that rolls into twenties if not more and finally I know more about the disorder because of my profession.

The feeling of not being in it alone, the fact that I can explain what is happened to the cells and what is happening in the body tissues at the time of crisis makes it easy to talk about it.

When you ask if it makes sense for two carriers of the sickle cell disease to get married, hmmm, SS and AS genotyped people are all out for AAs, how many AAs could there possibly be?

I have been at this point before. I am SS and was in a relationship with a girl who is AS. I saw a wife in her and that was what mattered only that she wasn’t willing to go the marriage line. I know of an SS who married an AS and they are happy together. Children come after marriage, a good marriage is first the husband and the wife who love and understand themselves.

I don’t subscribe to having children with SS because of love. The pain is not something children should be subjected to but I appreciate it when couples love and understand themselves. Adoption is an option for me or even remaining together without children. It’s not an easy decision to make but understanding matters a lot.

As someone living with SCD, you need to understand that living with sickle cell builds courage, determination, endurance and perseverance. Discover these strengths.

The truth is we can do anything we want to do but MODERATION is key.

Learn to pace yourself and understand what works for you. Follow your doctor’s orders but you could be a deviant sometimes, it makes it all fun.

CHILD(REN)

I have been thinking a lot about this for a while so I think it is time that I put it down in writing.
Why do people want to raise only children who are their flesh and blood? I don’t fully understand it. You get pregnant, your hormones starts playing up, you start having mood swings, vomiting, unable to stand familiar smells and you start looking and feeling very heavy. Some not so lucky mums even end up with post natal depression.
I understand and appreciate that at the end of it there is a bundle of joy to take home with you but whatever is wrong with adopting? In my opinion, men are so set and rigid about this, they wont even consider having a child in their home who is not theirs. There are so many kids out there; orphans, abandoned at birth – praying day in day out for a loving family to come and take them home and make them part of a family and feel the love that comes with being part of something good.
Why can couples who want more than 2 kids not adopt after their 2nd natural child? Think of the reward from the almighty because every good deed we do is rewarded, the joy you will be bringing to an abandoned child’s life and the help you are giving to society not to mention the fact that carrying a pregnancy to full term and taking a baby home after delivery or even yourself home in Nigeria is becoming hard for Nigerian doctors. I cant begin to count how many families in Lagos alone that I know of that has lost a mum and wife due to the incompetence of doctors.
Couples who are struggling to have children of their own, this could be something that you can consider, being stressed about not getting pregnant every passing month may not be helping your situation as it has been proven by some medical studies and researches but if you do this act of kindness and start being too busy that you don’t have time to be thinking of not being pregnant, you just may end up being pregnant. Things like that usually happen when you are too busy to think about it.
I do hope i have men readers so I implore you all to please go home, think about it and maybe take the leap of faith and do it. God will help and reward you for it. If you have any thoughts about this write up, don’t just sit there and say it to yourself, drop me a line, I like to know what you think of it. Maybe you think it’s a mad idea or a stupid one or a good one. I hope you find it thought provoking enough to also recommend this page to a friend.

curled from: http://bonnetcap.wordpress.com/