WHAT IS IN A NAME?

 

My name never appealed to me. I felt it was not fancy enough. I had friends and classmates in primary and secondary school who bore names like Linda, Sandra, Sharon, Jessica, Precious, Yvonne, Obiageli, Obianuju, Chetechi, Chidera, Odera, Nkoli, Nkem etc. I felt these names sounded more Sophisticated and Classy so I felt left out. During my confirmation, I chose the name Margaret because I liked the way it sounded but I regretted because my friends made jest of me calling me Maggi in the Nigerian way. My elder sister had an awesome English name “Ursula” but none of the remaining five children were that lucky; we all had Igbo names as our first and second names. Unfortunately, my home was not where you could bring your “foreign ideas” and share without getting a nice whip and being one really scared of pain, I decided to bury my frustration.

Circumstances changed my thinking when I had experiences that made me realize that my parents put a lot of thoughts in naming me. During my courtship, I watched this interesting movie “Out of bounds” about a Pastor who got tempted by a church member’s seductive daughter. The Pastor was RMD and the seductress was Bimbo Akintola who bore Adetutualias Tustsy honey Adigwe. I fell in love with the name Adetutu ;Tutsy for short and decided to call my first daughter Tutsy. My daughter’s pregnancy and delivery was a wonder. It was the first time I comprehended the awesomeness of God.We called her Ebubechi – Glory of God, Oluwapelumi – God with us and Miracle. Tutsy had disappeared from my subconscious. This is just a tip of the iceberg.

My second child/daughter was born after much pain and sorrow. She is a testimony. My husband called her Oreoluwa – Friend of God, I love the name because of its uniqueness. But I threw all forms of classiness and sophistication out of the door when I called her Ogechi and Blessing. Events had overridden my thinking. I could not thank God enough for her after all we had been through. It was then I realized why my parents called me Ogechikanma (Ogechi for short) – God’s time is the best. My mother weathered a similar storm like I did and concluded that He makes all things beautiful in His time. I called my daughter the name I despised without realizing that there is more to a name.

With these two experiences, I named my children according to the way and manner God brought them into my life. My third daughter is called Temiloluwa – My own is God’s own and Chizaram – God answered me (She gave us a tough time but eventually we were triumphant). The fourth, Toluwanimofe- Its God’s own I want and Onyinyechi – Gift of God (she was born a day to my birthday and is the only child with my complexion). Now my son’s conception and birth was a different ball game. When I found out I was pregnant, I was not that excited because I was scared I would have another girl and you know how our society looks upon women with so many girls and no son. But as promised by God he came forth. His father called him Oluwasore – God has done well. I on the other hand called him Chihurumnanya – God loves me and Samuel – Asked of the Lord. I know the name is a mouth full (it could not fit into his birth certificate) but had then truly God did love me. Names like Denzel, Tyrese, Bradley, Logan, Justin, Tyler, Drake, Chase etc are considered hot and sexy to have butI chose to call him after a prophet who loved God.

What is in a name? There is a great deal in a name. A name speaks volumes to your life.  I have educated my children about the circumstances of their birth and the reason they have such lovely names. They have embraced the namesand have owned them. Let’s be careful what we call our children. When I call out my daughter’s name “Temiloluwa” I am actually saying to my environment “My own is God’s own”. Let us return to the sensitivity of naming children. Find out the meanings of your names the circumstances that warranted them, and then extend it to your children. Give them our native names (the ones that exalt God), teach them the meanings and encourage them to answer them with pride and dignity. My name is OGECHI and I am proud of my name!

 

-ogechi Alabi

SEXUAL FANTASY- do i have the weirdest?

It is a fantasy. Oh, but then it is sexual too. According to wikepedia, sexual fantasy is a mental image or pattern of thought that stirs a person's sexuality and can create or enhance sexual arousal. A sexual fantasy resides entirely in a person's mind and can be created by the person's imagination, mental recollection or thought. Many times, these fantasies never get fulfilled. They remain in our head, playing out in our dreams. Various things trigger them. Things like Objects, people, pornography. It can be uncomfortable for people to talk about their fantasies with their significant other (partner) for fear of being judged or being called a ‘ sinner’. However, it is often healthy to talk about it as best we can. Ok maybe not the extreme ones. Hahhaha. A friend said to me once, ‘ I cannot talk to my wife about my sexual fantasies. She will see me as a sinner. Religion kills sexual pleasure’. Hmmm. I don’t know if religion does that so I will just skip that line. ‘If you are imprisoned in any way by your work, your family, your education, your religion, your government—your fantasies become your freedom’. *stolen* A small survey was carried out and we found some really interesting sexual fantasies. A 32 year old male fantasizes about sex in the pool. Ok, how difficult can it be? c’mon, get your lady in a private or non-crowded pool and just DO IT! Haahaa. A 32 year old female has this fantasy of having sex with her man while she is in a very drunk state. One 34 year old male fantasizes about having a threesome. What he did not state however is if he would want the threesome to involve his current partner. Imagine your man saying to you, ‘hey honey, I brought us another girl/man to join in’. Lord have mercy! Hahaha. We have a 37year old female who has this fantasy of having a threesome including two gay men. Wow! A 42 year old man fantasizes about sex in a car. Ok you gotta hear this. A 31 year old male has this fantasy of ‘using a banana on a woman for penetration….and eating it out of her!’. We got this 35year old male who fantasizes about anal sex, facial cum and having the girl swallow his cum. Ok, no wonder we call them fantasies. The truth is we can actually act out some of these fantasies with our spouses/partners if only we got the courage to talk about it. The fear of being judged stops us. For example, some men fantasizes about having sex with a nurse in uniform. If the wife happens to be privy to this tiny bit of detail, all she needs do is get in a sexy nurse uniform, totally act out the part and make him make love to her. I bet as long as you talk and look nothing like the you he is used to, that fantasy would have been fulfilled. Some fantasize about having sex in the office. If the man has this tiny bit of information, all he has to do is surprise her in her office one day, near close of work and make love to her on her work table. Hmmm. I have a feeling her fantasy would have been fulfilled. More often than not, that partner we are too embarrassed to mention or talk about our fantasies to also have one or two ‘crazy’ thing she/he fantasizes about but is too scared or bothered to mention them to us. It might not be such a bad idea to find a way of informing our partners of our sexual fantasies. Who knows? I mean, why live a fulfill-able fantasy unfilled right? We could write them out on papers and exchange them. The ones we cannot achieve or the ones we know we cannot work around, we can just laugh over it. At least, we just might be able to fulfill some. What’s the worst that can happen anyway? Will he leave me because of my crazy fantasy? Ok, I don’t know if he will leave you for that so do share at your own risk….or for your pleasure. Lol.

That bum short....

Bum shorts, booty shorts, whatever you want to call them. These are a kind of female short that goes up to the hip. It usually covers all of the butt area. They are in between bikinis and regular shorts. It’s amazing how a lot of moms ignore ‘age appropriate’ when buying clothes and dressing up our little girls. Yes, these shorts can look really cute on little girls but are they really age appropriate? So i brought this up to be discussed amongst a few moms and it seemed like a large percentage agree that it is not big deal as children between ages 4 to pre-teen do not really ‘know a lot’. What i don’t know however, is if we all understood what booty shorts meant. I hope some of us did not misunderstand it to be regular shorts. Its still all about looking cute. They are of the opinion that when they grow older, they (their moms) will tell them it is no longer appropriate. Some however, say there is no big deal whatsoever no matter the age as they do not want to interfere with what the child feels comfortable in. Another set felt that it should not be allowed for children more that age 3 or 4 as it may make them more susceptible to attack from paedophiles. The percentage that goes with this was really small. Considering how often we see little girls in malls and at birthday parties wearing these, it looks like the belief that it is ‘ok’ is more popular. Out of curiosity, I went online to what other moms had to say about it. Ok, the online research was not conducted in Nigeria but I found it interesting that most said they would not even let their girls wear or own one until they are 16. A few of them however said they would NEVER let their girls own one, no matter at what age. At what age is it really appropriate for girls to wear booty shorts? What is the fair length of shorts for young girls or even teenage girls as the case may be?

I AM YOUR DAUGHTER.....you are my dad.

My daddy, Engr Ademola Adeniyi. I just love you so much. I have vivid memory of seemingly irrelevant growing up moments with you daddy. I remember when I was in kindergarten (that school with red and white checkered dress lol) and I would get back from school, we ( you and i) would stand in a straight line in front of the television and match on the spot singing: we are H A P P Y, we know we are, we are sure we are, we are H A P P Y, happy!. Ok this must have been days you were either off duty or on night shift cos I am not sure how come you were at home when I got back from school. I recall too sometimes late at night, the very rare times when there is power failure in NEPA estate, you would carry me to sit on your shoulder, each leg dangling on both sides. Hmmm. And you would walk with my elder sister in stride to that expanse of space towards the 1st gate. We would laugh through and when we got there, we always delighted at the echo of our voices that seemed to come through from the trees across the fence. I remember when you want to wake me up from a short nap, either to get up for school (after the main waking up, lol) or in the evening when I dosed off on one of the sofas, you would sing this song:’ are you sleeping (2ce), Adebola. Morning bells are ringing, ding dong bell’’. Whenever I slept off in the parlor instead of going to the room, you would also carry me while holding one hand and one leg. Haahaa. I wonder if you did it for me to enjoy the ‘ride’ but it was always fun even though I pretended to be fast asleep. It was you who told us the story of the farmer who had a little dog named bingo. Yes I remember that. There were nights I would wake up and come knocking on your room door. I must have been between 4 and 6yrs at this time. ‘Daddy mofe mu ti (daddy I want to drink tea)’. You would take me to the sitting room, make a cup of cocoa drink, sometimes just water with sugar dissolved in it. lol and hand me a slice of bread. You would lift me up and sit me down on the dinning table and wait till I am done then take me back to bed. When I was much younger and would refuse to eat my rice with stew because ‘I don’t like pepper’, you would dissolve margarine in my hot rice. I recall once you even put okro soup on my rice and I ate it. I actually enjoyed it! I don’t know but whatever you served me I always believed was the best delicacy. Hahhaa. I always loved hearing when your friends would say how much I look like you. even our feet look same. The genetic flat nose cannot be missed. I would compare our fingers without you knowing and I always saw the similarity there too. You are such a wonderful daddy. You thought me to be contented with anything I had at every point in time. I remember when I was in the university and I told you that I needed a small fridge. You asked me how many of my friends had one and unfortunately non of my close friends did. So you asked again if they weren’t surviving without it. it was almost annoying because I knew you could afford one without a blink yet mummy had to persuade you before she went and got one for me. Because of your position, my friends always expected and thought I should always have a fat bank account. However, my monthly allowance was just enough to sustain me. As I grew older and wiser, I realize you were only teaching me to be prudent in spending and not live a flamboyant and extravagant life style. Anytime you wanted to call me in a sweet way, you would leave out the ‘Adebola’ and opt for Fauziyyah. I started writing very early even without knowing that was what I was doing. Heehee. I would do an on the spot essay writing in my primary and secondary school and my teachers would say things like ‘a very good on the spot work, I read your work and I felt like taking you to heaven; if I had money I would have published this work.’ Then I started seeing some of your write up. Some of your poems and I knew I got that from you as well. You are just one shinning example and with your exemplary character, sincerity and fear of Allah, you have really raised the bar high for your children. While growing up, you had zero tolerance for us missing our five daily solat. You taught me that only Allah makes anything possible. You taught me that the best route is the normal route no cutting corners. You are such a loving husband to mummy. you never crave what you cannot have. You taught me to believe in the powers of prayers. I always felt and I still feel I have this special connection with you. I love you so much daddy and I hope today is a wonderful birthday for you. I pray Allah make al janna (paradise) your final abode. Happy birthday daddy.

Are you Still in Love?

Can people who claimed to be in love eventually fall out of love? Some will say, NO, people who are sincerely in love cannot fall out of love. If they do, then they were probably never in love. I used to think so too until recently when I started hearing a lot of cases like someone moving out of  her matrimonial home with the reason that she has fallen out of love with her husband.  Amazingly, more people believe that people (couples) do fall out of love. A divorcee (male) said,

'Love like all other things is not without a life span. So you need to nurture it to keep it alive for as long as possible. Falling out of love happens when you stop working at it.’

Thinking about it, love does not just STOP. It dies a gradual death. Different people gave different factors that may lead  to falling out of love, amongst which are infidelity, boredom, giving attention outside the relationship, individual level of forgiveness, inability to meet (financial, sexual, communication, companionship) needs, when one partner stops being who they used to be. The list cannot be exhausted.

I believe all of these can be categorised under three basic umbrella viz; Sexual disconnection, Emotional disconnection and Physical disconnection.

SEXUAL DISCONNECTION

This is when one or both parties stop feeling any form of sexual attraction towards the other. This has nothing to do with libido has the sexual urge is still there but the affected party is not interested in satisfying this urge through his/her partner. When this starts and nothing is done, it can get as bad as the affected party feeling repulsion when touched by his/her partner. For example, at the initial part of your relationship, whenever your partner runs her fingers down your chest, you get sexually activated and immediately get an erection.  Then there comes a time in this relationship when the same action from your spouse only sends irritated and disgusted feeling through your body, it could be a sign that you are becoming sexually disconnected to this person. Except of course, there are other actions by same person that still continue to give you sexual pleasure.  That is just one example.  One thing that could result in sexual disconnection is infidelity. When one finds out that his/her partner has been with someone else sexually, even though there might have been apologies and proclamation of forgiveness, the memory may be too strong for the affected person to ignore every time he/she is about to have sex with his/her partner.

EMOTIONAL DISCONNECTION

This one could very easily lead to all other forms of disconnection. The fastest way to get on this particular train is getting involved in an emotional affair. When you leave your spouse and find another confidant on the outside of the opposite sex, you are heading for an emotional affair that may very well ruin your already established relationship.  I am not saying it is wrong to have another confidant other than your spouse but when you completely cut off your spouse and stop communicating, giving all of this to someone else on the outside, then that is a wrong move. You want to make a decision on your job, your hair, something is bothering you, yet you do not seek the opinion of your spouse rather you go to this other external confidant. This third party gradually becomes your first thought whenever something comes up and you need to discuss it. gradually, you do not even remember to inform your spouse of your weekend plan and when you are accused, you just look shocked because while telling your ‘friend’, you already felt like the necessary party has been notified. We start hearing responses like, ‘I thought I told you. In fact I am sure I did’.  Before you know it, you are completely disconnected from your spouse and strong feelings for this third party begin to grow. You get emotionally attached to the outside party while getting disconnected from your spouse.

PHYSICAL DISCONNECTION: 

This is usually a transition of one or both of the afore mentioned. When your spouse become as insignificant as a plastic cup on the kitchen slab, then you may already be physically disconnected from her/him. You are both in the living room and he/she is speaking to you yet it seems like you are ignoring what is being said to you when in the real sense, you actually are oblivious of any sound coming from him/her. The presence of your spouse means nothing at this point. You are usually not even aware of when they are around or not. Sometimes this might have started from the spouse coming home really late such that you are already in bed and maybe you only had less than 30mins in the morning before you both go your separate ways. In the long hours you are both apart, there is no form of communication. No calls or texts. This never happens automatically. It is usually gradual. It nothing is done to fix it, it eventually leads to a complete disconnection.

Being in love is such a strong feeling that it is hard to believe one can fall out of it too. Maybe one never does. Maybe what happens is a disconnection. Maybe one can try to reconnect again and thereby reactivating the love. A friend said to me, 

‘ I read somewhere that love is like a flower- it grows and needs to be nurtured or else it does.’  If both parties do not nurture their love, it dies. If you physically or emotionally abuse it, it dies.'

Hmmm, I still don’t know if I completely agree that two people who are sincerely in love can/may fall out of love. I prefer the word, disconnect. Sounds safer, like something repairable to me.  :)

WHY TELL HER TO SIT ON A MAN'S LAP?

Ok, am I being paranoid? Today, on my way home i had joined a colleague in his car and there were three other guys in the car as well. We stopped to pick up my colleague (car owner)’s niece and nephew (ages about 5-8). While my colleague was trying to arrange sitting, he mentioned that his niece sit on one of the guy’s lap. I immediately insisted that she should come sit on mine instead, whilst telling him not to encourage little girls to sit on the laps or any man. One of the guys in the car immediately said, ‘ all that is in the mind and head. It means nothing blah blah blah’ . He started sounding tome like this dude either does not believe in the existence of paedophiles or he thinks it is taking it too far training little girls how to guide against harassments from these evil creatures.
Of course that is one subject I am passionate about so I tried to explain to him but he kept saying ‘it is not everybody (hello! I never said it was.) and it isn’t really that bad’. Wow! I couldn’t hold on any longer. I flared up in pure anger and irritation. Like ‘is this dude dumb? Has he never heard a real life experience?’ i mean! I have heard. Yes I have. Even in my neighbourhood and I beat myself up every time I remember for not knowing what to do.
According to Wikipedia, medically, paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in persons 16years of age or older typically characterised by a primary or exclusive sexual interest towards prepubescent children (generally age 11 years or younger, though specific diagnostic criteria for the disorder extends the cut-off point for pre-pubescence to age 13). A person suffering from this is called a paedophile. Paedophiles are a lot more around us than we can ever imagine.
Now, I have always been conscious of what my kids watch on TV (although how conscious can I be considering I am only at home few hours of the day), but after I attended a seminar on sex education for children by Praise Fowowe, I upped it all a little. I tell my little girls what their public and private parts are. And why they must never listen to anyone who tells them ‘do not tell your daddy or mummy’. I let them know that it is not good for girls to sit on a man’s lap. Yes, even their own uncles. I mean, paedophiles are real and unfortunately, it has nothing to do with trust. It is a psychiatric disorder and shows no physical symptoms. How do you know your brother or your spouse’s brother or your child’s class teacher is not one? So why will I not just do what I can to inform my children to tell me if anyone touches them funny. Now, I will always ask my children ‘tell me the things that happened in your school today.’ From their gist, one would pick out any signs or subtle signs of anything sexual they might have picked up and what better time to clarify what they may be confused about?
I recall the day I told my husband we should stop kissing the kids on their lips and just stick to cheek pecks, he told me out rightly that I was taking it too far. Maybe I was/am. But I just felt that once they already know mouth to mouth or lip to lip is not a normal/usual thing and I let them know it is not okay to kiss people that way at that age, hopefully they would push away any idiot who make an attempt to plant a dirty kiss on their lips.  My fellow parents, if you will tell a child not to do something, you had better have a good reason to give them why they shouldn’t. If you do not, you may have only tickled their curiosity on that particular issue.
As rampant as child sexual harassment/abuse is, you will be shocked to know that there are quite a number of parents who still do not think or believe they exist. All these stories sound like made up ones to them. For those who do not believe, think back. Growing up, have there not been one or more occasions where a close senior relative or family friend made you do or even asked you to do something inappropriate for your age? I believe some of you will answer in the affirmative. I have a close ‘person’ whose uncle made him and his siblings suck on his penis in exchange for sweets. They were kids! And he was an adult!
Doubters, you need more? Some time ago, my 16yr old niece living with me informed me that a girl in the next house to ours (I do not know most people in my neighbourhood so I don’t know her parents) who of course I do see around, was sexually abused by her choir master. This girl is about 11/13 years of age. According to what she told my cousin, the choir master who her father trusts so much usually take them to and from church for practice. So he had parked the car somewhere on their way back home and forced her to have sex with him. He then gave her a thousand naira. When I asked why she did not tell her parent, she said her father is very strict and trusts this choir master so will never believe her. And that he might even beat her thinking she made up the story. Now, I heard this. I knew I should not just let it slide. I thought I should call this girl and have a few words with her but my niece said she told her in confidence and that would be breach of trust. I told my niece to convince her to come over and tell me personally so that I could then find a way to talk to this girl and see if we could inform her parent together.  Hmm. Somehow, after about three weeks, I stopped asking my niece. I know I failed in my duty and I feel terrible. But truth is, a part of me just really wanted to and still want to talk to this girl. I fear informing the parent. We know how some people can be, especially a situation where a stranger walks up to you to tell you such a thing about your daughter and a man you trust so much. I tell you, I will come out as the nosy neighbour who just wanted to destroy a good relationship. Maybe not. I will never know now.
Anyway, the entire long story above is for the doubters and the ‘it isn’t that bad’ kind of people. They do exist and I have heard of more cases. Parents, listen to EVERY thing your child has to say. It can be very difficult especially with ages 3-8 who can be talkative. Let us just try because out of the excessive questions they ask and the annoying and frustrating talks, we may be able to pick up a few things. Things that will tell us they have been learning some things the wrong way. Like maybe they have this friend who tells them to ‘ let us kiss and lie on each other like they do in television’. You can then gently ask, without shouting, who this kid telling them to do such is. You then go ahead and let them know that such words and acts is not good for good children and only bad children say and do such things. Trust me, questions will arise from even your explanation but if we read books about child sex education and pray to God for guidance, we will not go wrong in responses.
Parenting has no manual. Do not be the shouting parent. Do not doubt your children. This way, they will not fear to tell you of things they know are wrong. I have been wanting to end this write up but I am finding it hard to. This colleague of mine really vexed me with his reaction to my insisting on the little girl sitting on my lap instead. This may be by longest post so far and I honestly do not know all about child sex education. What I know is, for every age, there is something to teach. The age appropriate sexual knowledge required. I also know that, if you shy away from educating your children about sex, they will learn from their peers. The difference is that peers will teach them in the wrong way. The way that will make them want to experiment what it totally inappropriate.  Why don’t we as parent, teach them before they learn the wrong way on the outside. When they eventually do, it is no longer news and the have the RIGHT information. We can only try but we MUST always pray for guidance. It is not by our will alone.

Do you have the financial power in your marriage?

 It is usual for the man to have the financial power in marriage. However, it is not unheard of for the wife to own such powers.  I always believed all that was necessary in sustaining a marriage where the woman has the financial power is the humility and submissiveness of the wife plus a man who is confident without an inferiority complex.  Now having a few friends in this situation, two of whose marriages have ended; I have realized there might be a little more involved. I always believed my friend is very humble and should not have a problem holding a marriage in spite of her financial power in her home. When I asked her, she responded “my sister, it is a different ball game when you are actually in it. it is easier said than done”.  

*sigh*. When asked if they can be in a marriage where the women have the financial power, most men (will) say, ‘sure why not? As long as she is humble. I cannot be intimidated by any woman. I will perform my obligations and it will not be a problem”.  Nicely said. That is majority and majority they say, is usually the one to go with. In this case however, majority have not been in this situation.  In the real sense, there will be times when the man will have no choice but to ask the woman for or borrow money from her.  The man will not like it if this happens too often.  This may sometimes result in him snapping at her even when he did not intend to.

Another thing is, certain issues that the wife will normally disagree with and will want to give a contrary suggestion to and might have gone without a fight may turn out ugly in such a scenario.  For example, the lady who will normally change her wardrobe every six months now wants to do same at a time when the man is struggling to put down upkeep money. The man thinks in the line that if she goes ahead to do that, she may not have extra to compliment where the money is not sufficient and he may have to find the balance in other inconveniencing ways. So man says to wife, ‘do not get new clothes this time. You don’t really need them.’ Woman in our usual stubborn way (has nothing to do with the financial power here) says back, ‘no, I have to get them. I need them. Please let me get them.’ She goes ahead to do so. In a regular situation, the man will only be upset that she did something contrary to his wish but may probably just think, ‘well, it is her money.’. unfortunately, in a situation where the wife has the financial power over the husband, his reaction may tend more to, ‘I see, so because she earns more than me and is very independent of my money she feels she can do as she likes with the money even when I say otherwise. So I cannot even control her. She is very arrogant. She is not submissive.’  In essence, the man’s response/reaction to certain woman attitude is often misinterpreted just because she earns more than him.

It may seem that sustaining a marriage where the wife has more financial power may depend largely on the financial gap. If the guy, in spite of his lower earnings still earns not so poorly, it may not be so difficult with both parties not letting superiority or inferiority come into play. However, if the man’s earning is quite poor, it may not be so easy to sustain such marriage. It will take A LOT. Now this is entirely my opinion from what I have observed.  I believe there will definitely be a few exceptions.