Who edited Children's Day?

 Children’s Day…

The program for that day was standard… or so we were made to believe. Intense rehearsals for parade and march past in preparation for the interschool competition that holds every 27th of May.

I remember how we would dress up in our well-ironed uniforms. If you didn’t have a fine uniform, ehn, you couldn’t join o! Except, of course, if you were a key participant like myself—then the school would arrange for you to get a nice uniform for that day. White lacy gloves, spotless knee-length socks, and identical sandals worn by all participants.

While I was always a participant since my primary school days, I became a key member of the school parade team in secondary school. Mr. Sam Cave (pronounced Car-vey) coached us strictly using military parade orders. He was a naval officer… if my memory serves me right. He taught me the phrases to use while acting as parade commandant from JSS3 through SS3.

On the morning of Children’s Day, we would all assemble at Sapele Stadium—very early too, hours before the dignitaries would arrive. After the match past competition, every school would wait to hear the winners announced. I am sure there were long speeches by the Local Government Chairman, the Commissioner of Education, and maybe even other important personalities; but abeg, which child cared to listen to all that? Hahaha. We would be running around, playing hard, and spending the little pocket money we brought from home on milk iced blocks, buns, biscuits, and the like.

Once the winners were announced, we would spend maybe 30 minutes either jubilating or feeling downcast (as the case may be) if we didn’t win. After that? Back to fun and play until our parents said it was time to head home. Now that is how Children’s Day was spent in the 80s and 90s.

I am writing this piece because, honestly, I’m a little confused about when the memo changed. Who told our children that Children’s Day is for receiving gifts or going shopping? Ehn? Who? I am very interested in the person that made this change without consulting our younger selves to ask if we were willing to take on such responsibilities as parents!

How are my daughters calling me from school to say, “Happy Children’s Day!”. That one is not even the problem, but then they proceed to request money to buy treats for their celebration. They even expect gifts! Ahn ahn! How? I cannot remember my parents ever wishing me “Happy Children’s Day.” All we knew was that we celebrated together with peers, as a group. Not necessarily in school, but always with schoolmates in a fun, communal way.

sigh I really wonder how Children’s Day will be celebrated by our grandchildren… considering none of us saw this new tradition coming when we were kids.

Happy belated Children’s Day!

WHO I AM RIGHT NOW

 

Chapter1: HOW IT BEGAN.

I have shared this story so many times, at random times with random people, but I have never written it down. I guess this is a good time to do so seeing as my daughters are around the age that I made a decision that, well, sort of changed what I dreamed my career path would look like.

You see, I studied microbiology in the university. 90% of persons who  study microbiology started off with the intention of studying medicine, ending up with microbiology (or Biochemistry) because they did not meet the cut off for their choice course-medicine. As for me, however, my 1^st and 2^nd choice in the Jamb that got me into university was microbiology. Biology, English and Agricultural science were and have always been my favorite subject. Like, I did not have to stress to pass these courses-A grade too! I love Biology and English especially so naturally, I knew I would enjoy working in the lab.

Now to the real gist. I decided to study microbiology with the intention of working in a medical laboratory when I graduated from school. Unfortunately, I got a huge shocker in my 2^nd year (shey that is when we usually go for that 3 months IT?) in the university when I went to UCH ibadan for my first Industrial Training. I worked for that period at the medical microbiology laboratory in UCH and it was there I discovered that if I wanted to be certified to work in a medical microbiology laboratory, I needed to have a degree as a Medical Laboratory Scientist. Wow! First lesson: before you decide on a course to study, be sure it is leading you in the direction you intend to go (except of course, your intention is just to sha go to university). Let me quickly mention here that I had done about 6 months IT cumulative at a private medical microbiology laboratory in Ughelli while and after I had my OND in Science laboratory technology before going into the university. What made it worse was that, the time I spent working as an IT student in UCH made me surer of my love for the laboratory. The culturing of samples on petri dishes, viewing of sample slides under the microscope. I cannot forget the first time I saw that moving micro-organisms, erm whats the name now….yes… trichomonas vaginalis…under the microscope while viewing a urine sample. Reminded me of when I first saw spermatozoans in semen samples during my OND Industrial training days. Those little tadpoles are damn fast and uncountable in a healthy semen sample. Talk to me in the corner let me explain what the unhealthy ones look like to you. The disgusting task of writing out the macroscopy (physical appearance) of a stool sample viz formed, semi-formed, watery. Quick advice- whenever you are asked to bring a stool sample, think of the laboratory attendant and remember to only drop no bigger than a chin chin size. Gosh! Please do not fill up the sample bottle! They do not need more than a smear most times anyway.

Sorry, I wasted your time reminiscing. As I was saying or typing, it realized I was in the wrong course. I asked myself if I should just find a school where they studied MLS (medical laboratory science) and go start afresh. But omoh, 2years has passed now…I was not eager to start afresh. I entered university at the age of 21 since I had already done 2 years getting an OND that I never used. I found out that there was an 18 months course in UCH ibadan, that I could come back to do, as a graduate of microbiology that would earn me a degree as a Medical laboratory scientist. Great! I decided that was what I would do.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2: THE FIRST STEP TO MY NOW

I enjoyed studying microbiology so much, except when I had to write my BCH (biochemistry related) exams sha. Oh ofcourse, any physics related never worked for me but thankfully we were done with that by our first year. My favorite subjects (blasting As, lol let me brag small) were pharmaceutical microbiology, virology (tough but you know when you like the lecturer it gets easier), and mycology. Environmental microbiology was not bad either. Although they were busy telling us that we are the quality control gurus that the FMCGs needed when we were done with school, (we kuku believed them) I had my mind set on working in a medical laboratory. So my thought and plan was after NYSC, I would go to UCH ibadan and do that 18months course that would certify me to be what I wanted to be. Unfortunately, before we even began NYSC, that course had been scrapped from UCH. Reason is because of some set of persons being upset about the likes of us who will come and do 18 months and be the boss of them who did a full 2 years lol. Long story that there is no need for right now sha. Me too now went and got married in the course of my NYSC and I allowed myself to believe that marriage is a reason for me to not keep moving towards my goal. Yes, UCH cancelled the course, I found out that University of Jos had this same 18months program. I could have applied and gone for it like two of my course mates did but well, I did not wish to go to school as a married and pregnant girl. Second lesson- never allow marriage or motherhood alter your dreams. Others are doing it. You can too.

I still really wanted to tow that line or atleast something similar. I heard of a nursing school in saki, oyo state and I randomly mentioned to my husband that I want to go there. Lol, man’s got his hustle too as a young, not big earner, hustler of a civil servant. He can only tell me its okay. The responsibility of making the move laid solely on me. Again, I allowed ‘I have a baby’ to hold me back. Third lesson- if you do not make a move to act, nobody will take your words seriously.

Let us skip to a couple of years after, I managed to get a job in a medical laboratory (my past experience helped me). This was were I became a guru (I don use that one chop eba sha) at drawing blood samples. I am smiling at the memory of my time there. I loved every bit of it. Although my main job there was to type out tests results ( I type faster than most secretaries. Lol), whenever we had a crowd waiting, I would help out in the laboratory. I was not allowed to work in the laboratory officially because I was not certified to do so. Sigh. Truth is, not confirming about my course of choice and my intended career remains one of my biggest regrets ever. I am grateful to my boss for showing me (atleast he allowed me to watch and learn) how to carry out more simple laboratory tests, thereby adding to the knowledge gained from my IT days. I cannot continue being front desk, report typing graduate sha. Therefore, I continued my search for something else…whatever….anything that I will atleast be happy doing.

In 2011, I got my first make-sense job as client manager in an HMO. At first, I did not even know what the job was about. All I knew was that it was the health sector so I guess that was satisfying. Bad as e bad, I will still be in the mix of something I enjoyed doing….in a way sha.

 

 

Chapter 3: THIS IS ME NOW

As a client manager, my key role was to ensure client satisfaction and retention. I have very good interpersonal relationship so building relationships with clients came quite easy. In my department at the time, all three of us had science background (2 microbiologists with experiences in medical areas and 1 health educationist) so it was easy for us to take up the task of giving health talks (slides prepared with the supervision of doctors in our medical department). We also carried out on-site checks by ourselves. The onsite checks included basic tests such as blood sugar, blood pressure (we used only the digital sphygmomanometer) and Body mass index, so we were not breaking any rules. My favorite area was giving the health talks and carrying out the blood sugar test. Of course, pricking fingers for blood samples allowed for sweet memories of my laboratory days.

Twelve years later in the same industry and sector, 3 HMOs and one non-HMO health organization after, the favorite part of my job still remains having engagement sessions with my clients. Although where I currently work, the part of giving health talks to client and carrying out onsite check lies with the medical services department, I always enjoy tagging along as there is always something new to learn from their presentation. Did I mention anywhere up there that I am also a peer educator long before I became a certified counsellor? I am sure I did not. Well, this makes it really easy for me to speak freely on every subject area without discomfort that some others may feel where they need to make reference to sexual parts of the bodies or similar topics.

I noticed in my first year as a client manager, I had an advantage over my colleagues where it came to interacting with different classes and levels of clients because I am good enough in my spoken English to speak eloquently when the crowd is Executive or ‘tush’ type category. Also, because my first language is pidgin English (pure sapele born and bred that I am), I could also easily control an ‘agbero’ or ‘trenches’ kind of crowd (no offence meant please). Is it Yoruba, I was fluent too (as long as you do not expect me to do the parable thing). Let me share a short story…maybe two with you. I was managing a client and a section of them were truck drivers. I mean the big Dangote-type trucks o. These people were very disgruntled and the session I was going for was a re-orientation type thing. When I got there and I saw them sitting all over, floors, leaning on walls etc, I said to myself, ‘girl, no laptop is needed here’. I left my laptop in the car and came out, faced them and tried to introduce myself ‘officially’ in good English. The response I got basically was something along the line of. ‘we are not here for your big English, what do you have for us. Speak and let us move onto other things’. I looked really official likeeee. I took a deep breath and switched my brain to my sapele mode. I ‘hailed’ them and smiled at them, saying something along the lines of ‘I do not have anything for you to drink but do not worry you will like what I have to say’. The response I got from them in expression and all assured me I now had their attention.

Another similar case was when I had to address some factory workers and the very learned HR saw me and said,  ‘you are the person your company sent? Ha, you cannot handle this people o. I don’t think it is advisable you even speak to them. Go back and let one of your male colleagues come. These men are rugged and they do not care. You may even leave here in tears’ (something very very close to those lines). I told him in confidence that it is okay and I am sure I will be fine-I was happy and grateful for the heads up sha. The people gathered and as expected, looked me all over like who is this one? I smiled at them and asked in pidgin, should we speak Yoruba or English? Tell me which you prefer. Some laughed many smiled, a few still had stone faces, and they responded, ‘speak both o speak the two’. Anyways, we had a successful interactive session in mainly pidgin English and some Yoruba. At the end of the session, the HR told me how surprised but impressed he was at how I handled his staff.  

I am still a client manager. Do I still enjoy my job? Most part of it, especially the part that has to do with me interacting with my clients. Oh, I feel really satisfied when I am able to resolve a client’s problem. Ofcourse there are the areas I cannot say I enjoy so much of. Lol. That is not what this write up is about. I look forward to my next client engagement session happening in a few hours from now.

The decision to put all this down in writing came about 40mins before I started. Yes, that is the only way I have ever successfully written anything in my life. Short notice inspiration with immediate action. Hopefully, the next time I write something again will not be in another 6 years!

MY BIRTH STORY...the first

It was just about 6am on Saturday the 29^th of December 2007 when I was in the bathroom and I noticed the ‘show’. You know that ‘thing’ they told us during several ante natal visit that we are likely to see at the start of labor? Yea that one sha. As soon as I saw it I totally panicked and ran to inform the husband. That was my first pregnancy. We picked the essentials and headed straight for the hospital. I wasn’t even in any sort of pains as such then.

We got there..general hospital Isolo..before 8am and I was taken to the labour ward but the sight I met scared me. Lol. Plenty women many of whom were moaning in pains…some shouting. Ah! I slowly made my way out of the ward or will I say sneaked out so that the nurses will not notice. I mean, I was not in that much pain yet but these women were just messing with my head already.

Fast forward hours later, I was already in pains but my aunty who I call my ‘second mummy’ told me a long time ago that if you shout while in labour, you will keep shouting..whatever that meant…I made up my mind not to ‘make noise’. I was just groaning quietly. At around 1pm, my water broke just as I was standing by my bedside (I no gree lie down or sidown). My honest thought was..’finally baby will come now!’ if only I knew I still got hours to wait. i was examined and told I was about 4cm dilated…this was almost 3pm. The contractions got intense gradually. Getting harder not to ‘make noise’ but I was determined not to join the ‘shouting committee’. My younger sister was with me even though the nurses kept sending her out she somehow kept sneaking back inside. Lol. I don’t know how she did it but I was glad because that moral support was needed. I had not eaten at all as I had no appetite. I was sipping on glucose water though. Hubby was not allowed in…rules of General hospitals I guess.

Fast forward to past midnight and I was just still on same 4cm. na wa! Now I was frustrated and tired of it all. The doctor on duty…an amazing lady too…came to me and informed me she would have to induce me with an injection. She said, ‘the contractions will come and with serious pains. But you have to stay strong.’ She told my husband not to bother going home (he was initially headed home to come back the next morning) as she plans to take me in for caesarean section (surgery) if by 7.30 am the baby was not out. Mind you, I have been awake all through since I got to the hospital the morning before. There is something weird and funny I haven’t mentioned. Many of the women in labour in the same ward were naked…yes o…very naked. I had my bubu on and my panties. Hahaaha. I remember when the doctor came over at that past midnight time she was like: ‘this woman is still clothed o. even wearing pant sef. She is not serious’. In my mind I was like : so I should naked before you people know I am in pains? I was in excruciating pains but kai, the plenty naked women were not appealing to me. Heheeeehhe.

When it was like 7.15am or there about (the 30^th of December), I felt like I wanted to go to the toilet. I immediately remembered this was the feeling my friend (who already had a child) told me I was going to experience when baby is about to come. So I called…no I screamed out to the nurses, ‘please come oooh. The baby is about to come’. They looked at me and ignored. I repeated myself, and one said, ‘we just examined you, the baby cant be about to come’. I  immediately said , ‘ please just come and check. After all I haven’t been shouting since , now I am shouting!’ she came over and examined me. I was lying on my back, legs apart for her to examine me. Just as she was saying, ‘let me call the doctor, the baby’s head is engaged already!, me was trying to close my legs because I saw a man passing in front…I was like ‘wait wait see, a man is passing!’ I cannot forget the nurse’s expression like, is this one alright? You still have time to notice man passing. They were supporting me to the delivery room but my legs were so heavy. We finally got in and I laid on the bed. My amazing doctor came and was so excited and happy that she will be taking the delivery normally.

Yipeee! Just few minutes after…long before 8am…lol.. my baby came! Nadia Oreagba was born. My younger sister was by the window watching all through. I was happy it was over. Then, my dear doctor said…many minutes later…atleast that was how it felt to me…’my dear, the placenta has refused to come out. Even after an injection which is supposed to disengage it, it is still not out.’  I was too tired to even ask questions. I looked at her blankly. She went on, ‘I will have to remove it manually. It is a painful procedure but I need you to stay calm so I can do it properly. I will put my hand into your womb and gradually disengage the placenta from the walls and bring it out. ‘ no, baby coming out was not that bad because I actually pushed and even though they had to cut me twice for baby to come out, it still wasn’t so bad. As for the procedure of bringing out the placenta manually, that is one pain I remember vividly. Even as I pen this down, the memory is making my lower tummy cringe. The ‘ordeal’ was finally over. Nadia Itunu (her dad named her Itunu) Oluwanifesimi (I named her this one) was born. I put her to suckle less than 30minutes after her birth.

Today, 10years after, I am grateful to God for her life. I pray she will be a source of joy to me and all around her. All I ask is to join me in saying Alhamdulilah today.

This is my birth story….the first.

SHE MADE ME SEE BEYOND...the genotype

Can we meet you?

I am a 30yr old graduate of marketing from Lagos State Polytechnic (LASPOTECH), A married woman that currently works for herself,l love meeting people reading and writing.I ve a passion for interior designs and the name is MARYAM

When did you first understand the magnitude of the condition you have?

Ans: I had always known i was different like my elder brother but the magnitude of my condition hit me when i became an adolecent,my peer were growing but i remained a flat chested tiny girl with big tummy , then I started learning more about who and what i really am.

How did you take it?

Ans: Not too good at first i must say,because i felt I was d cause of every joke plus not being able to do all what my friends could do without consequences. coming to terms with who i am really took great amount of research and understanding from that point on it has not been too bad.

Did you feel  very different amongst your siblings and friends? If yes, how so?

Ans: fortunately or unfortunately for me I had an elder brother with same condition so it was not much of an issue with siblings but with friends must times i feel different because majority don't understand why i can not do all they do or why i am on drugs must times or even hospitalised.

Did this condition affect your academics in anyway?

Ans: yes it did, but for me it was more psychological than physical. I had a stress induced crisis during my exams in sch at a point (it was one of the worse crisis even) i notice unconsiously that i don't take studying as serious as i use to studying(stress) became like a phobia.

Did you at any point blame your parents, whether consciously or unconsciously?

Ans: hmmmmm. I might have at the peak of one or two crisis but I when I see the pain in there eyes when they see me in pain all such thoughts disapper from my mind.

So far, what was the critical period for you when you wondered if you would survive? That is,  your worst crisis ever. And how old were you at this point?

Ans: Age 28, a crisis like i never had before when i saw fear in the eyes of my doctor then i thought all hope was lost because I never seen him in that state ever before. 

Growing up, did people look at you funny knowing your condition?

Ans: its became normal as i always get the pity look as if i am a dead man walking.

Did you have to deal with discrimination amongst your peers? How did you overcome that?

Ans: sure i was been discriminated amongst my peer cause as human beings i believe we are usually scared of what we don't understand as such discrimination occurs but for me i made up for it in other ways. yes i could not be who they are but i ensured i made myself into an indispensable person to them.

What makes it so easy for you to talk about it?

Ans: living with my condition can only get easier if people are enlighten about this condition,by talking about it i get to change people's misconceptions about the condition.

Do you think if two people of genotype AS love each other so much, they should go ahead and get married in spite of the risks?

Ans: in my opinion and that of a realistic person my ans is a big NO, cos i have come to realise it takes more than love for a family to survive with sickle cell patients when the realist of the situation heats them i am so sure they will not remember when they use to love each other, except they are heartless.

What can you say to encourage little children who has sickle cell?

Living with sickle cell should not be a stombling block but rather it should be a stepping stone. Yes we are restricted in the things we can do but even at dt we can be the best of what ever we set our minds to because we are special.

YOUR SPOUSE....and their friends of the opposite sex.

Before we got married, we had friends…even of the opposite sex.  What happens to those friends of the opposite sex after we get married? Do we tell our spouse about them ALL? Is this important? Will there be consequences if we don’t mention them all?

I recently got talking with a friend (opposite sex) of mine and we had this conversation. He wanted to know how it affects a female if she finds out about female friends of her spouse she did not know about and he wondered if every guy thought it was compulsory for them to know of all their spouse’s male friends. Ok, I truly do not know because I happen to have loads of acquaintances….maybe not necessarily friends, who are guys and my spouse do not know of. This is not because I kept it a secret but we just have not gisted to that side. The ones he knows about was not because I felt I MUST inform him but we have gisted to that side. I do not feel the need to know of all his female friends either.

My usual style, I took a survey for this. More people thought it was not compulsory to know of their spouse’s friends of the opposite sex. More of these people, actually have friends of the opposite sex who their spouse do not know about. What weird me out and actually cracked me up was that we have more females who, even though have male friends their spouse do not know of, believing the HAVE to know of all their spouse’s female friends! Loool. My breed though! I just love us. Only one guy held this view.

Do you suddenly hear an alarm in your head whenever you discover an opposite sex friend of your spouse? Is there a reason you would want to know of all of them? I would love to read from you. Do share your views with other readers. 

MY NEIGHBOUR...A true story.

Who is your neighbour? 'A person living next door to or very near to the speaker or person referred to'. My friend gave me a 'gist' recently of how he got into a fight with his wife. Ehn, so this is not unusual. However, the trigger of the fight got me thinking.
His wife had travelled out of town for a few days.Upon her return, her neighbour (whois a pastor) hailed her and said, ' Welcome, i think say you and Oga na in travel o. Because Oga sef no dey for like three days. i never see this gate open make e enter for days now'. Ofcourse 'Oga' did not travel but apparently was away from home (without the knowledge of his wife) for a few days as well. Now wife, as expected is very disappointed and angry. A fight ensued and she accused her husband of infidelity, saying this is what he probably does whenever she was away.
The husband claimed that he passed the night at a friend's place around the office as the distance between where he lives and where he works is quite a journey. Anyway, i found this kind of funny and interesting and a bit confusing at the same time...the neighbour's involvement that is. Was the neighbour being sincerely concerned (being observant of who goes in and out of houses in his neighbourhood)? Was he being nosy? Or he just was being 'the christian' trying to prevent any room for infidelity? My neighbour's marriage is about 10 years.
As a man, how would you react to this situation? Ok, what if the circumstances were reversed (your neighbour 'hailing' you that your wife has been away also in your absence), would you react the same way sincerely? As a woman, would you encourage the neighbour? Especially since that may be your source of keeping tabs in your absence. As a neighbour, would you do the same, not necessarily out of being nosy?
I am just curious especially as this brings to mind another female friend of mine whose husband checks on (when he is away) by calling neighbours and asking if she is home. 
P.S: My friend is yet to resolve this issue with his wife. He wants her to speak to the younger friend of his whose place he (claimed) to have passed  the nights he was  away from home.

SOCIETY OR NOT..she chose to walk away.

Mitchelle is a strong woman, a single mother of one, a survivor. One of the few who was bold and courageous enough to get out of an abusive marriage. I am so impressed so here is my chat with her.

Phaozee: When was the first time you were hit by a man? Like physical abuse.

Mitch: Wow that was a long time ago back in school then, around 2001.

Phaozee: What was your relationship with him?

Mitch: He was my boyfriend. 

Phaozee: After that was there someone else who did that to you? If yes, what was your relationship to him?

Mitch: Oh yes, and that was my ex husband.

Phaozee: The first time you were hit, what was your immediate reaction?

Mitch: I was defensive but I couldn't do much cos I was pregnant.

Phaozee: Did you eventually confide in anyone? If yes, did you let your partner know you told someone? If yes did that help?

Mitch: Nope, I didn't confide in anyone. I thought I could avenge myself by doing something 'western' , you won't believe what I did ,let me tell u, after beating me, he left the house and took my phones away because he wanted to delete the numbers I got from his phone and he also didn't want to contact anyone, so in my angry state, I opened the wines in the house, brought out all his clothes and undies and soaked them in the wine as much as I could...lols cant believe I did that though...and that was where he got my sympathy, I started blaming myself for overreacting , I started giving excuse for him for the act every time it occurred.

Phaozee: Did he often apologise afters?

Mitch: Nope ,he never apologises.

Phaozee: What usually triggers this beatings or fights? Sight three instances.

Mitch: My experience is a strange one because trivial things triggers him for instance, we went out together, got drunk, got home and couldn't take the baby in beause my legs were shaky, didn't want the baby to fall, instead of him to just help take the baby in, he hit me so hard that my face was swollen, and started cursing me and left the baby and I in the living room. Another one , during a civil discussion , I gave an opinion and he just flared up and that was it...and the last one which ended the marriage , give me the money you owed my sis because she's travelling, infact the beating that morning, I didn't recover for months.

Phaozee: What ways have you tried in the past to prevent such from happening and how did you protect yourself? Run? Hide? Fight back? Or you just stand and face it?

Mitch: I stood back one day and brought out a knife that if he ever comes near I will stab him, he left the house that day, I once locked myself up in the room, but it got to a stage I just beg him for anything wrong or right just to prevent any noise or fight.

Phaozee: How did you perceive him overtime? Were you scared of him, did you see him as a bully? A coward , a controller? How? I mean at that time and not now that you know better.

Mitch: I see him as a coward  irresponsible man trying to force respect instead of earning it                .

Phaozee: Do you think a wife or woman beater can ever change?

Mitch: They can never change, I heard the lady whom he 'married' afterwards was also a victim but she's a rich girl and she got him arrested, I think that was d end of the relationship too.

Phaozee: What was your wake up call? What gave you the courage to ‘run’?

Mitch: My parents....my mom especially.

Phaozee: What are the signs you look out for in a man that are easy tell-tale that he is a likely woman abuser?

Mitch: Lot of things actually, education, exposure, temperament ,etc

Phaozee: How did all of this affect your person?

Mitch: I almost lost my feminine ego, because then I felt I'm not free to talk to a man anyhow, I thought low of myself because to make matters worse, I was a student, no money.

Phaozee: How did you recover and move on and see yourself as a better person? What ways did you device?

Mitch: I took solace in my future, so I invested my time into building myself and hence I regained my ego.
My advice: a woman shouldn't be too naive , no reason is enough to abuse a woman physically,  don't loose yourself ,the moment you start defending him and blaming yourself, you have lost it and above all, don’t seek for happiness in a man, take time to build yourself, make yourself the right woman every man prays for, wherever your heart goes, take your head along...

Villain to Hero

I met Tunde ‘by chance’ and he seemed like an interesting personality. Well, interesting that we chat but I knew nothing about him yet I had a feeling there was an interesting story around this man. I had randomly asked a group of friends, Tunde inclusive, what could push them to ever hit a woman. I did get various interesting responses except that Tunde added that he always hit all his previous partners until three years ago.

Wow! Yes that was my exact mental reaction. I had never, ever met a man who owned up to constantly hitting their partner.  After I recovered from my amazement I decided to have a chat with him. This is his story.

My name is Tunde.  Until three years ago, I always found a reason to hit my partner and I never really saw it as a big deal. The first time would be way back in 1996 or 1997. It started out as fun as I would always pick on my childhood crush ( a friend’s sister), watch her cry and I would apologise. That was very interesting for me.  She never had to do anything  to prompt this. It was fun at first till it became more like a habit. Did I know it was wrong? Yes I knew it was wrong at first but over time, having gone into more serious relationships, I had several reasons to justify my actions. Another reason that never made me feel bad about my actions was because I had always held the erroneous belief that I was above everyone, irrespective of the gender. Once, I nurtured the idea that I was the best thing my partners could find. One of such times,   I accidentally hit my mother on the shoulder while she tried to put a stop to one of those fights. She had come visiting and a fight ensued between my partner and i. it was very embarrassing when she called her elder brother who had always held me in high esteem to report the issue.

My wake up call came the day I hit the mother of my kids in the face and it was swollen for days. She did not bother visiting public places with the injury and I was very ashamed when friends would ask what happened and she would lie that she was hit in the face by the small mortar that dropped from the cabinet. This still hurts me.

We all have the volition to do wrong or right. I had to speak to myself first.  Since I made the decision to stop this barbaric act, I have used various methods to keep off it. Personally, I would warn her sternly on the likely outcome of any argument and sometimes try to walk away or out of the house.  If she tries to stop me, I usually come up with the comment that wealthy people do  not act the way we do. Thankfully, she finds that amusing each time regardless of the extent of anger dwelling in her. I am proud to say that I am no longer the villain. I stopped hitting my partner over three years ago and I am positive it will NEVER happen again. 

LADIES, DO YOU HAVE FOD?..... when she never orgasms

The inability of a woman to reach orgasm is actually a medical condition called orgasmic dysfunction. It is also referred to as Female Orgasmic Disorder (FOD). This lack of response affects the quality of the woman's sexual experiences. To understand this disorder, it is first necessary to understand the physiological changes that normally take place in a woman's body during sexual arousal and orgasm. When a woman is sexually excited, the blood vessels in the pelvic area expand, allowing more blood to flow to the genitals. This is followed by the seepage of fluid out of blood vessels and into the vagina to provide lubrication before and during intercourse. These events are called the "lubrication-swelling response." Body tension and blood flow to the pelvic area continue to build as a woman receives more sexual stimulation; this occurs either by direct pressure on the clitoris or as pressure on the walls of the vagina and cervix. This tension builds as blood flow increases. When tension is released, pleasurable rhythmic contractions of the uterus and vagina occur; this release is called an "orgasm." The contractions carry blood away from the genital area and back into general circulation.  However, for someone suffering from FOD, sexual arousal and lubrication occur. Body tension builds, but the woman is unable or has extreme difficulty reaching climax and releasing the tension. This inability can lead to frustration and unfulfilling sexual experiences for both partners.  Also, lack of orgasm can cause anger, frustration, and other problems in the relationship.

It is normal for orgasms to vary in intensity, length, and number of contractions from woman to woman. The main symptom of orgasmic dysfunction is the inability to achieve sexual climax. Having unsatisfying orgasms or taking longer than normal to reach climax are also symptoms. Orgasmic dysfuntion does not refer only to sexual intercourse. It also refers to the inability to reach orgasm during masturbation or direct stimulation of the clitoris. 

FOD can be generalized or situation-specific. In generalized FOD, the failure to have an orgasm occurs with different partners and in many different settings. In situational FOD, inability to reach climax occurs only with specific partners or under particular circumstances. FOD may be due either to psychological factors or a combination of physiological and psychological factors, but not due to physiological factors alone.

Physiological causes of FOD include:

• damage to the blood vessels of the pelvic region
• spinal cord lesions or damage to the nerves in the pelvic area
• side effects of medications (antipsychotics, antidepressants, narcotics) or illicit substance abuse
• removal of the clitoris (also called female genital mutilation, a cultural practice in parts of Africa, the Middle East, and Asia)

Psychological causes of FOD include:

• history of sexual abuse, rape, incest
• emotional abuse
• fear becoming pregnant
• fear of rejection by partner
• fear of loss of control during orgasm/performance anxiety
• self-image problems
• relationship problems with partner such as unresolved conflicts or lack of trust (leading to sexual disconnection )
• life stresses, such as financial worries, job loss, or divorce
• guilt about sex or sexual pleasure
• religious or cultural beliefs about sex
• major depression

other underlying factors may include;

• age, especially in women undergoing menopause
• chronic illness
• embarrassment or shyness
• hysterectomy (an operation in which the woman’s uterus is removed)
• medical issues, such as diabetes or neurological disorders

The first step in treating orgasmic dysfunction is talking to your doctor. While it may be embarrassing, it’s the best way to help ensure that you can fully enjoy sexual activity again. Your doctor may refer you to a gynecologist for a follow-up exam

Treatment for orgasmic dysfunction depends on the cause. You may need to: treat any underlying conditions; switch antidepressant medications; try some form of talk therapy;  receive direct clitoral stimulation during masturbation and sexual intercourse.Couples therapy is a popular treatment option. It’s a way for couples to connect better intimately. This can address issues both in the relationship and in the bedroom. In couples therapy, they often assign "homework" that focuses on relaxation techniques, sexual exploration, improving sexual communication, decreasing inhibitions, and increasing direct clitoral stimulation. Individually, a woman might be encouraged to masturbate either through self-stimulation or with a vibrator. In addition, kegel exercises, which improve the strength and tone of the muscles in the genital area, may be recommended.

There are no sure ways to prevent FOD. However, reducing life factors that causes stress can be effective. Seeking counseling or psychotherapy for past trauma, or when problems begin to appear in a relationship can help minimize sexual dysfunction problems. 

Essentially, couples should pay close attention to each other during sexual intercourse and not get selfishly carried away. Your spouse may be suffering from orgasmic dysfunction. 

Reference:  Encyclopedia of mental disorder.

Sex and Religion

Sex is a very important part of marriage, it could help in making or breaking it. And as religious people we are a little bit confused on our limitations as perceived by God. We don’t wanna fall into sin trying to please our spouses and also we don’t want to lose our spouses while trying to please God and do His will according to what we read in the Holy Books.
So I sought after two of my lovely friends to help out, one a Muslim and the second a Christian.
Bola Adeniyi-Oreagba, a devout Muslim and also a Blogger ( www.phaozee-mythoughts.blogspot.com ) will be handling it from the Islamic angle. While Bukola Precious Aduwo a born again christian and a Journalist will be handling it from the Christian angle.

Sex and Religion as written by Bukola Aduwo (Mrs)
It is with great pleasure that I put this piece together that centres on sex and religion.
Unfortunately such a topic is usually ignored or sidelined in churches because some sets of people believe it is sinful and will rather focus more on issues considered to be more spiritual.
But wait a minute, what can be more spiritual than sex especially in the confines of marriage?
It is established in the Bible that pre-marital sex is sin(Heb.13:4)but it is sad to know that some wives still feel ‘guilty’ after having sex with their husbands (Holy Matrimony). Matt. 19:5.
Sex in marriage is a wonderful gift that must be enjoyed so fill your mind with basic knowledge and insights that will enhance your sex life.  Song of Solomon,  1 Cor . 7:1-7 Infact it is shocking to know that most Christians believe that the only reason for sex is reproduction.  I need to state here categorically that husband and wife should offer their bodies to each other in marriage and should not deny each other except for a short period or season maybe during fasting.  1Cor.7:5.
Ladies whenever your husband beacons on you for sex, I beg you in the name of God not to hesitate to heed the call because if you must know, sex is like food for a man! Men as we know wake up in the mornings with an erection, that’s how their bodies have been programmed, so they can have sex every day of their lives without complaining.
Most ladies are in the habit of giving excuses whenever it is time to perform their ‘bedmatic’ responsibility. Remember the story of Queen Vasti in the book of Esther. The king(husband)  called her (for whatever reason) but she refused to answer the call. At the end of the day, Esther took her place, I pray we shall not lose our space and place in Jesus name. When it’s time to service your man, please do! Men love a Godly and God fearing woman, but they also want you to be slutty for them in the confines of your room. Sex in marriage is called “Holy Matrimony” and what ever is done there between both of you is acceptable to God as long as you don’t involve a 3rd party.
Tips on sex in marriage for the woman.
1. Keep yourself beautiful. Some women were meticulous about how they look when they were single  but relaxed after marriage.  Always remember that men are moved by what they see. That’s the way they are wired by God! Always look beautiful
2. Be a whore to your husband. Learn new bed styles, upgrade yourself, explore and most importantly always be on top of your game. Be creative – your husband must not be bored sexually.
3. Make your marriage your number one priority.
4. Demand for sex occasionally. It turns men on and makes them perform better.
5. Lastly devote ample time to pray for your man’s sexuality.
I sincerely pray that we shall not fall in our sexual responsibility towards our husbands. Amen.

Sex and Religion from the Islamic point of view as written by Fauzziyah Bola Oreagba (Mrs)

Sex has always been a difficult topic to talk about publicly among the Muslims. It is one topic that is always shoved aside and not dealt with in an honest manner. Muslim children go out in the world where sex is a commodity, everyone is engaging in sex and talking about sex but then they come back to their Muslim communities only to find that their elders are unwilling to engage the topic in a manner both relevant and ethical. Of course they grow into adults that have a wrong opinion and misunderstanding of sex.
The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, “There is no shyness in matters of religion.” Married couples always ask questions about what is permissible on this subject matter. We hope that this write up will be able to do justice to that. Couples should be sensitive to each other’s needs and limitations. Even a ‘virtuous’ excuse like deep involvement in worship is not accepted if the man forgets or ignores his wife’s rights. In such a case it is the woman’s right to protest. History reports the woman who went to Umar ibn al Khat tab (second caliph) consulting him: My husband fasts by day and prays all night. and I feel embarassed to complain seeing that he spends his time worshipping God. The man was summoned for a hearing. The final verdict was to have three nights for his own worship and to heed the needs of his wife during the rest of the week. Umar also asked his daughter Hafsa how long a woman should stand being away from her husband, Upon which he decreed that fighting troops should be given leave to come back home every six months.
Islam encourages that all phases of sexual responses should be in synch to avoid sexual disharmony. In most cases, sexual disharmony is due to the man getting his orgasm when the woman is still eagerly waiting with inflamed desire to reach her own orgasm. The conclusion of the act at that stage would be unfair to the woman having been aroused but not satisfied, and that is what the prophet warns against. To guide against this, the Prophet of Islam has stressed the importance of intense fore play. He made a statement where he politely refered to fore play as ‘messenger’. He said, ‘”Let-not the one of you fall upon his wife like a beast (camel) falls.  It is more appropriate to set a messenger afore the act”
Now speaking on how far we are allowed to go in satisfying our sexual desires and/or the limits (if any) to fore play and sexual acts in Islam, Most Islamic scholars agree , that all acts that aim at satisfying and pleasing the spouses are allowable so long as two things are avoided, that is anal sex and having sex with a wife while she is still in her menstruation. Khuzaymah bin thabit (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that Prophet SAW said, ‘indeed, Allah is not bashful of the truth. Do not have intercourse with women in their rectum.’ (Recorded by An Nasai). Quran 2: 222 says, ‘They ask you concerning (intercourse during) menstruation. Say, it is harmful (to both partners), so keep away from women during menses.’ Note that it is permissible to be with and touch your wife and play with her even in her menses as long as she keeps covered her lower torso (her waist down). During Ramadan sex should be avoided “Only” when you are fasting, once you break your fast, please don’t deny your wife or husband his or her marital rights to you sexually
Another sexual act usually in contest of whether it is permissible or not is the oral sex. Dr. Heba Kotb, a Sunni female scholar[citation needed] who gives sex advice on Egyptian TV, said that oral sex is allowed “since there is no religious text banning it”. She considers oral sex as a part of foreplay on this ground that Islam “stresses the importance of foreplay”. However, following the principles of Islamic Jurisprudence, the scholars have come up with the following ruling for this issue of oral sex.
It can be considered as part of foreplay but Allah knows best as there was no discussion at the time of the Prophet SAW about this issue.
Something cannot be declared prohibited if there is no clear proof in the Quran and in the Books of Sunna (hadith).
It is disliked by the scholars because it is the practice of the disbelievers.
Oral sex should not replace normal sexual intercourse and should only be a form of foreplay if practiced.
No swallowing of semen or ejaculation is allowed. Precum and vagina liquid are also impure and should not be in contact with the mouth.
Should not be done excessively as it causes harm to the mouth or other parts of the body and therefore should be avoided.
In conclusion, there is great flexibility in terms of how you both can satisfy each other and that could potentially involve engaging in oral sex. All of this depends on your personal preferences. Be creative, stay within the limits established by Islam, talk to each other and be open in sharing your feelings with each other about what is satisfying and what is not.
It should be noted that one of the main objectives of Shari`ah is to safeguard the life of people and keep them healthy. Based on this, if it is scientifically proven that oral sex or such practices cause mouth cancer or form a danger on the health of a person who practices it, then it becomes totally prohibited.

In the long run, please let us realize that our religion holds marital sex in high esteem, it is the will of God, please wives, most especially, deny not your husbands their marital right to you. Its the best food you can give to him. Let him have a feast always. You can also drop your questions and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible.

culled from http://myorgasma.co