YOU WERE CAUGHT CHEATING-WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

I always wonder what makes people cheat on their spouses, irrespective of sex. Most people would conveniently say absence of adequate attention, unfulfilled sex life, financial imbalance, sudden change in appearance/attitude of the spouse.
However, if we look around properly, we might likely see a few cheating spouses who do not have any of the above as an excuse. It now bothers to say, what could be the reason for cheating? Sincerely now, if we did not have religion or morals, how easy is it to be with one person continuously for a long period of time? You wake up with the same person every day, eat with same, come back and sleep with same.
 Could it simply be the human nature for desire for something new? Or just a greedy nature? Maybe lack of trust? If it is the non-sexual cheating, it is very likely to have one of the already stated excuses above as a reason. However, for the sexual cheating, one wonders as it still all boils down to one thing- penis goes into the vagina-just maybe from various angle.
Maybe I am missing something here. Otherwise, it could be safe to say some people just lack morals or they are sex addicts. Trying to split it now, for the female, the male organ naturally should feel the same within when erect no matter the size or shape and as long as orgasm is attainable, there should not be any reason for sexual cheating.
As for the males, hmmm, truly? I cannot pretend to have the full understanding of that. It's crazy right? Think about it though, what separates us from animals? The ability to have a choice and decide what is right or wrong. We cannot throw morals away and snatch silly excuses when we do wrong. Whatever the reason, I believe for a communicating couple, it should be attainable between them if they really try. Or could there be some things communications cannot change?

GET A BLOW JOB!

This is one of my first write up but I have been holding off posting it.  after  lots of editing , I believe it is finally decent enough to get on this blog.

A while ago, I did a random survey on the level to which men generally love to get a blow job.  Contrary to the impression most people have-including ladies-it’s really not all men who are a must-receive-blow-job men.  Although about 55% of men are like, “men, I must get a blow job and a damned good one at that”. About 3 out of  20 guys actually said its better than sex if properly done.  I was however surprised to find that although, a minimal figure, are totally almost indifferent about it.  One actually said a 4 times in 7years and never in a lifetime is good for him. Haahaaa. 

In my opinion, I think it boils down to the level of sensitivity of the individual. If the guy in question is highly sensitive to touch, like really sensitive, he definitely will not fancy a tongue on skin thing that much.  I can imagine some men reading this and are like, “what? Some men truly don’t like a blow job? That can’t be true”.  Well, reality, it is true. Individual differences. I am sure if we did a random study on women too, we would actually find a few surprises. Well well, as I thank all my wonderful ‘samples’ for being honest-yes they surprisingly were revealingly honest-in their responses, I await suggested strategies in making all men lover of blow job. 

CHEAT-CHAT

Am I unfaithful to my spouse? Sounds like a simple question to answer, yet I think it is quite complicated. I believe an individual has the right to define a word in whatever way he/she understands it. So, I am not going to even try to get the ‘correct’ definition for infidelity or being unfaithful in marriage.
Once a lady gets married, in most cases she believes strongly that she has to stick with the man she is married to and has promised to be faithful to. It’s amazing that in spite of the reality of almost inability of a man to think or stay that way, the wife still expects her husband to have the same view or make the same decision about marriage. Haahaa. Actually, most men do make the decision to stay faithful or at least they hoped to. However, somewhere along the line…..yea they just do not.
Now, when is the man unfaithful? Is it when he starts talking so much to the other girl? Or is it when he goes out of his way to see her just because he really misses her company? Is it when he texts her every hour? Or is it when he out rightly starts to ask her out on a date? Is it when he starts kissing and fondling her whenever they are together or is it ONLY when he actually has penetrative sex with the other girl?
I chatted with quite a number of married people and the majority feels that so long as it’s a chat you do not want to be get ‘caught at’ then it is cheating. “Yes I would say he is cheating on me because he is sharing his thoughts with another lady. His attention is divided”, says Emizen. A few said it is not cheating if there is no physical contact. Meaning that no matter how or what you chat about with another opposite sex other than your spouse, they do not see it as cheat. From this few, a small percentage believes such chats, even though they do not regard as cheating, is a sure way that could lead to infidelity. “Cheating on one’s spouse isn’t premeditated, one silly act leads to the next and it becomes a norm especially when there is no attention in the home.
About two persons feel that even kissing is not cheating and one can only be seen to have cheated if there is penetrative sex.
It is obvious from the above that what I will regard as cheating might not necessarily be seen as cheating by my spouse. There lies the escape channel that provides excuses for some when ‘caught’ having flirtatious chats with someone other than their spouse. “I have never even met him. It’s really a harmless chat and nothing more.”
Quite interestingly though, it seems that at some point, over 80% of married persons have engaged in flirtatious chats –you might want to say, emotional extra-marital affair-at one point or the other in their marriage.
Research has shown that emotional affairs resulting from frequent and continual chatting, either by phone calls or by sms, has a greater tendency to break marriages than a physical sexual affair that has no emotional link. This is mainly because, this spouse continues to get more emotionally attached to the other one out there and as such is gradually disconnected with the spouse at home. There is more tendency to share intimate thoughts and fantasies with the ‘outsider’ than the spouse.
The things that lead men to cheat on their wives are different from what would cause a woman to cheat on her husband. Both share some reasons in common.
A woman could cheat on her husband either directly or getting a chat buddy that makes her feel wonderful unlike her husband who is now sees her as a ‘wife’ who will always be there no matter his mistakes. Sometimes, she could be doing this out of revenge if she feels the husband has cheated on her-from her own definition of infidelity. Another reason could be that she feels sexually disconnected to her husband and seeks to regain that connection elsewhere.
A man could cheat on his wife, in whatever definition you have chosen to go by, because he is no longer attracted to her. It could also be because he is beginning to feel old and needs to reassure himself that he is still ‘in town’ and capable to make a girl desire him. Or if he feels neglected by the wife and he finds someone who listens to his whatever he has to say including his silliest jokes.
These are only a few of the reasons why. Have you ever engaged in flirtatious chats with someone other than your spouse? Did you feel guilty? What led to that? What do you think are some of the reasons for people to have extra-marital affairs? Do share with other readers.

SINGLE MOMS: WHY THE STIGMATIZATION

Single motherhood is no longer uncommon in our society and I would have thought that the stigmatization would reduce.  Some time ago, one of my first posts actually, I blogged about unwanted babies http://phaozee-mythoughts.blogspot.com/2012/02/unwanted-babies.html.  We read how babies were abandoned in hideous places and left for dead, sometimes eaten by animals such as pigs. Others would even terminate (murder) a fetus with already formed limbs say at 6 months by taking certain concoction.

It is therefore shocking to me when a lady who made conscious effort to ‘save’ and love her baby, even care for alone is now looked upon like the loose and stigmatized to the point of it being a major issue when she meets a guy who wants to marry her.  Now that is entirely my opinion and you may have a different one. I mean, the one who had a baby but abandoned it, the one who aborted the pregnancy and the one who had a child all committed adultery and is a sin from the religious point of view.  The other two committed additional sins viz:  attempted murder/abandonment and murder. While the single mother chose not to add to her ‘error’.  I would refer to her as the brave one rather than condemn her.  Some of you may totally disagree with me and say she is stupid for jeopardizing her chances of living a stigma free life when she could have done otherwise but then we have different perspectives to life issues.

It is important to note that I am in no way celebrating or promoting single motherhood. Rather I am trying to understand why choosing to make a good (keeping d baby) out of a bad (having unprotected sex) is something to be ashamed of. Some men do not mind getting married to single mothers but others do mind a lot. Even the ones that do not mind get a lot of disapproval from their family members.  Strange as it may sound, I actually have a friend, he is divorced and has 3 kids yet he insists he cannot get married to a single mother.

Guys, if you are reading this, can you marry a single mother, especially if she has most of the attributes u desire in a wife? And generally, dear readers, what do you think are the reasons for the stigmatization single mothers face and are these reasons justified?

HUMANoPHOBIA????

I officially need help. I have phobia for HUMANS. Yes. I am afraid of people. This started after two guys with guns stopped and tried to rob my husband and I on the 23^rd June.  It is strange that I did not blog about the robbery incident –attempted-yet I am blogging about the aftermath of it. I can no longer bear to have a strange man look at me for even 5seconds without feeling that thud that signifies fear in my chest.  If someone moves or walks towards me, I get that feeling. I am in the car, and a motorcycle overtakes the car, I am almost ready ‘to be attacked’. 

This may sound silly and like I am just a dramatic but truly, this is getting really annoying even to me.  Every strange face around me now seems like a potential armed robber.  The other day a guy was walking towards my direction and for whatever reason, he lifted his t-shirt. I was this close to taking to my heels. Well, just a day before that, one of the guys (the one that held the gun to my side of the car in my face) did a similar motion of lifting t-shirt and out came a gun! Who would blame me for not wanting to see that movement especially by a guy? 

I am writing this because I honestly need help in getting over this latest and annoying fear of strange faces.  Dear darling readers, what do u think I can do to overcome this fear? Unfortunately, I do not get back from work till dark and I have to walk my street alone. I pray I do not punch an innocent one in the face some day and now that I am even contemplating having a pen knife with me all the time, I pray I do not attack an innocent person. Or maybe I should just get a pepper spray?

my thoughts: WHAT'S YOUR DISTRESS CODE?

my thoughts: WHAT'S YOUR DISTRESS CODE?: It is funny how we always seem prepared for what never happens but never prepared for what eventually does happen.   I have always thoug...

WHAT'S YOUR DISTRESS CODE?

It is funny how we always seem prepared for what never happens but never prepared for what eventually does happen.  I have always thought it a great idea to have this secret code between my husband and I that would send a signal to me that he has a thief(holding a gun to his head)  with him at the door when he knocks. I never thought I needed to have a code for ‘hey aunt, I have been kidnapped!’

Yes I give all thanks to God today.  My niece-cousin-niece-cousin..Whatever, well, my cousin’s daughter was kidnapped.  She lives with me. We spoke more than four times on the phone while she was with the kidnappers yet I suspected nothing.  As far as I was concerned, she went for her computer classes and is staying longer than necessary, disobeying my orders to leave there and head back home. So, I decided to stop calling and see the time she would come home and I would tongue lash her.  My mom called to tell me that my niece called her to tell her she was lost and did not have a clue how to get back home to me. Of course I panicked in confusion. I called and gave her instructions on how to get to a spot where my hubby would go pick her up.

She is back home safe and sound now. Here is her story….

On her way to her computer class which is just on the next street, she was accosted by a guy with a gun to go into a jeep. She was then driven from my very far location of agege to some place (we got to know, a village after Ikorodu). They took her into an uncompleted building where she was asked to sit and that was when she made the second call to me asking if I was home yet. Apparently, they were given a photograph of a girl to kidnap and she was just a case of mistaken identity. The main man ordered them to take her back and left. They told her they had no time to take her back and she should be prepared to stay there for another three days since she said she knew nowhere. There was however a younger guy who was asked to stay with her. He told her he would take her to where she would get a bus and she should ask around from there. So he took her to where she boarded bus to Ikorodu and she was able to contact us properly. Of course the story is longer than all of this but my simple question is, do we now make it a duty to give code words within the family that will signify that we are in a compromised or bad situation?

TEARS OF A MOTHER .....plane crash

I was shivering, shaking, panting, gasping, and hyperventilating. My mind flashed back.  I was about to board the airline. As was the custom in my family, I sent sms to my dad that I was about to board. I called my husband as soon as I sent the sms that I was boarding already. I boarded with my daughter.  There was nothing strange about the whole pre-take off and take off procedure. My daughter was strapped to me with an infant belt. She is 2. About 30mins into the flight, one of the crew members announced that we need to strap on tight and said a few things to calm us down.  I felt the plane jerked in a funny way about a couple of times and it did not feel like the regular turbulence one would experience. But then I did not feel any fear-yet-as I simply assumed we were approaching the airport and descending. Yes seems we were sort of descending already or was it my imagination? We would descend, and then rise again. This was kind of strange. When this continued for another five minutes I noticed a few other passengers were feeling uneasy as well.  Now we were about 35minutes in air. Seemed like all was fine again. Then we got that reassuring announcement that we were approaching the Muritala Muhammed airport and check that our seat belts were fastened.  This was about 5mins after the descend and rise effect I felt.  My daughter was wriggling restlessly so I held her tight and tried to soothe her with playful songs.

Then!  I felt the plane descend sharply. I looked out and I did not see that we were above the airport yet. It came up a bit again. This time, everyone obviously panicked. I held onto my daughter so tight that she cried. Then I was saying ‘Subhanallah, lai laha ila Allahu’. I was saying all that amidst reciting the protective verse “kur siyu” of the Holy Quran. Others around me were also screaming all sorts of prayers. I could only hear myself. There was suddenly a very loud sound and that was when I felt like I was floating alone and my whole inside was dropping down , down , down.  God! We weren’t landing. We were falling! It was so fast but it was so detailed at the same time. Like a slow motion being replayed fast. I have no idea if something hit the plane or the plane hit something but we stopped descending with a loud thud with things flying down and around inside the air craft at the same time. I was seated towards the back. Something had fallen to hit the man beside me on his head. It was all so confusing. People screaming inside, fallen over each other. I saw nothing. I only heard my daughter saying ‘mummy mummy, let us go outside’. As I prayed in fear, my heart was screaming to my husband but nothing came from my lips. He was at the airport waiting to pick me.  He could not hear me. Because we did not land at t he airport. I prayed he would hear me and come for me.  I told myself I would make sure nothing happened to my daughter.  I was so scared now. I am shivering. And holding my baby, and crying because I knew it was a crash. There was no crew member to re assure anyone. I saw none of them.  As I walked blindly towards the only ray of light I could see, I heard a wheezing sound and then….there was flame.

I am sweating.  Yes I am panting, just writing my imagination. It did not happen to me. But it could have been anyone of use and  I know it happened to someone. Maybe not exactly.  All of the above flashed through my mind within 5mins. I was crying. I pray that those who died in the crash find peace-one way or another. I pray that all none of the kids onboard experienced pain before they died. I pray that all of the kids on that Dana plane felt the love of their mother as strong as ever.

.....AND SHE DIED

I heard she put to bed...Friday. So in excitement I called her. She sounded so elated saying her birthday is just few days away. She had been delivered of a baby girl. Yippee! We would go throw a party to celebrate the birth of the baby in another eight days. That is our culture.

Then came the call to my hubby's phone at night. It was my brother in-law saying his wife who had put to bed earlier in the day is now unconscious. I told my hubby, it can't be. I spoke with her and she was very ok.' anyway, he still had to go check her on Saturday to be sure she was fine. When he got there, he called me to confirm she was unconscious. Now that is really worrying. I had no clue what led to that. So as usual, I started asking my brother who is a medical doctor, what could be the likely cause. My hubby also asked the doctor in charge of my sister in-law’s delivery and it came to light that apparently her blood pressure shot up after child birth. This is a case know as post-partum eclampsia.

I called later that day; I was told 'she is asleep now. No longer unconscious. Of course I felt relieved. If only I knew then she never actually came to. Rather she fitted again through the unconsciousness.

Sunday came and I joined my husband, along with the kids to go see my sister in-law and her new baby. I got there. I went in the room where she lay unconscious. She is naturally very light skinned. The skin of the lady lying there looked so much darker and her mouth was open breathing forcefully, the sound of fluid in lungs was very clear to me and her tummy moved up and down in a fast irregular motion. I stayed a bit, and then I went and stood in the balcony. I made a call to my brother to describe as precise as I could the present condition of my sister in-law. He said with the way I described the treatment she was being given, she is not getting the sort of treatment she needed. She has been in that unconscious state for over 48hrs. So a decision was made to take her to another hospital. According to the doctor, as at the time she had the first fit that led to her being unconscious, her BP was 220/140. We took her to a private hospital that we were referred to but was told the doctor traveled. And in haste and fear and anxiety, we rushed her to another federal government hospital (all state government hospitals were on strike) were we were told there was no bed space. We pleaded for her to be seen even if on a stretcher but they insisted they had to get a bed for her first. By this time we were all crying in fear. We rushed her to another private hospital and by the time we got there, she was still breathing in that heavy, stressed irregular, fast patter. Then, as d car stopped, she seemed to heave a deep breath...her last breath. A nurse came out (coincidentally, one who knows...knew her) and by the time she was done checking her vitals, she confirmed her dead.

My iyale, my senior wife, my sister in-law, she was dead. She was gone. I called her name severally she did not respond....death, not such an abstract word after all.

MOST LADIES

As usual, I did a survey, this time to confirm the theory that majority of ladies have lesbian tendencies. Naturally, most will be too embarrassed to admit it but surprisingly, I was able to get honest responses that showed that  over 70% of girls have lesbian tendencies!!! However, not all have actually gone through with the ‘act’. For 40%, it still remains a fantasy. It has remained a fantasy for most mainly because deep down they know or believe it is not right or proper to desire to be touched by the same sex. For some, because they do not have to courage to approach another girl for it for fear of being turned down and embarrassed. Out of the remaining 30% who have tried it, about 5% found it wasn’t their thing.

When you think about it and wonder why this is so, it is possible that it is because a lady would clean up her vagina by really using her hands and fingers and this will allow them know the feeling of and right place to get the best sensation. Hence the saying that only a woman truly understand the best way to turn a woman on (ok, I don’t know where I got that saying from.lol).

Whether for cultural of religious reasons, most people believe attraction to the same sex is totally wrong. I will love to read your responses. Do you agree that most women have lesbian tendencies? Do you (if you are female) have lesbian tendency? Have you ever carried out your fantasy?

UNWANTED BABIES

I visited an orphanage home recently and realised that most of the babies are not really orphans but abandoned.  I looked at them and realised that no matter how wonderful the care they are receiving at the home, they can never get that special love and affection that can only be dished out by a mother to her child. So, i started wondering two things, would it have been better if they were never born than be in this situation; and a mother who aborted a developing foetus (not yet a baby) or that who gave the baby a chance to be born into the world yet went ahead to dump in place were the child has low likelihood of survival which is worse?

Let us take the first one. Is it better for the babies not to have been born than to be born and abandoned? If they were never born, they never saw the light of day, were probably not more than a clot of blood before they were terminated. So they know no pain.  If they are born and abandoned, they have a good chance of survival and of someone picking them up and giving them a chance of a good life.  At the same time, because most of them are dumped in places like canals, refuse dumps, gutters and zipped up inside a big bag, they would go through tortured time. Where they cry out of hunger, suffocation and we have seen a case of a baby being eaten alive by pigs before she was picked up on the third day. Now, that child, no matter the type of surgery that will be given, the scar will remain and God know what other damage would have been done internally. In some cases, the babies eventually die. Abandoned babies live with the stigma for the rest of their lives and may have permanent low self esteem because they cannot understand why their mother would not want to have them.

Now let us analyze the two different mothers. The one who aborted the growing foetus and the one who had the baby but abandoned the child.  The one who aborted the growing foetus never gave the child a chance to live. Maybe if she had that child and abandoned somewhere, the baby would atleast get to live and become someone important in future.  She acted selfishly and could not give up just nine month of her life to have that innocent baby.  At the same time, she knows already she does not want the baby and would end up having a child she does not love or want so she decided to spare the child the agony of living and existing as an unwanted child. That is why she made sure she terminated the pregnancy early enough before it was fully developed.

The mother who had the baby but went ahead to abandon the baby not caring what happens in the end to that innocent life who has no clue as to what her crime is. If you went ahead to carry a growing baby in your womb and at the end you abandon the child in a terrible state because you do not want the baby, of course most of the time, it is because you wish the baby does not exist so you are hoping he/she dies.  The fact that this mother did not terminate the pregnancy does not mean she cared about the baby; it could only be that she is too scared of having to go through the aborting process, meaning she is as selfish as the first mother. Why have a child yet you careless as to what type of life the child ends up having. You leave the baby at the mercy of worms, snakes, and the likes even at the risk of being run over by a moving vehicle-in the case of ones dropped on a highway-and you say you have given the baby a chance to live? Even if they are lucky enough to get picked up and survive, they can never enjoy any special love from any woman. At least not the type they could have enjoyed from a mother.  However, the mother who has gone ahead to have this baby, even if she ends up abandoning him/her, has chosen to give the child a chance of survival. At least no matter the circumstances surrounding its being picked up, the bottom line is that he/she survived and gets to grow up and become whatever she/he likes.  They could be lucky to get adopted by wonderful ‘parents’ who would appreciate them and love them like theirs.

Now the above are entirely my opinion. I would like to read from you. What are your views? Who is the cruel mother here? Which is the unlucky child or as d case maybe, unborn child?

TALENT OR HOBBY

This is the first post of a random writter so it is expected to be random. :D. Tola famakinwa, get off my back!

Between our primary and secondary school days, some of us had a ‘talent’ or two which we were praised for either by our teachers, parents or peers.  As a result, we saw ourselves in the future being famous for something in that line. Most of the time, these were more of hobbies than talents but of course every parent believed they have future stars as children. Stop. Think. Which were yours? For me, i remember vividly my numerous talents (or were they simply hobbies? I cannot say for sure now). Hahaha. Was it just me or every kid who at every interval of two years changes goal and ambition? i just really had many things I felt and believed i was good at therefore i had various perceived future faces. Hmnn. 

First, it was my leadership quality. Now this kept on till my final year in the secondary school.  The baffling thing right now is, if i was such a great leader, what relegated me to a great follower in my university days? Did i meet greater leaders or all i had was charisma and not leadership quality? I wonder.

So, the second ‘talent’ came right when i was just in my primary 5. Wow! She is so fast on the tracks. Hahaa.  Of course, i have no trophy to show for this ‘talent’ which continued through to my 5^th year in the secondary school.  Mostly because when i had to go and represent my school, i usually do not fall within the fastest three. And the few times i did, ‘the gift belonged to the school’. It took alot of ‘failed’ races to realise i could only do the shortest sprints. Now that is disappointing.

This third ‘talent’ surfaced in my final year in the primary school. The writing skill! Now, i still am not sure if this is a hobby or a talent because this is one that has succeeded in sticking till now.  If you ask me, i see it more as a hobby because i derive so much pleasure and relief from emotional stress by putting my thoughts down on paper. Oh, i will not forget to say one set back in this, when i start off, i am usually unable to type a conclusive line. Frustrating! Hey, before this discourages you, not to worry, i will somehow succeed in concluding this already long post of mine.

I cannot forget to mention the public speaker part. Haahaa. Yes o. That also one of my ‘talents’. I became a ‘future presenter’.  Up until recently, i was still hoping one day i will anchor a TV programme.

Did i mention that i am also a counsellor? Believe it or not o, i am. I can’t stop laughing just putting this down as i remember each. My days in camp, I even trained as a peer educator trainer. I never put that into use. I just kept telling myself, someday, I will have a pre-university centre for teenagers. Well, somehow, maybe this will still come to pass.

If I keep writing I will not stop because i know i grew up having many ‘talents’ or were they just hobbies? Or dreams?

So, let’s hear yours. Am sure we have some of you with a few ‘neglected’ talents...or hobby. Wink*.

The purpose of this is to find out if my readers remember having ‘talents’ that they simply can’t find anymore. Also, let us help our kids to pick out and differentiate between talents and hobby so that we help them develop the talents and encourage them in their hobbies rather than make them believe they have all these talents and in the process of aiming at so many goals end up letting go of a key talent that they would have been famous for.